Words

And if I got a dollar for every tear that I’ve cried

To make the pain deep inside subside

And for every lie I’ve been told and bullshit I’ve been sold,

Ni**** and bi***** would be kissing my feet

So they could marry me not Bill Gates,

Because I’ve longed for so long for the fucking pain to escape

And yet it continues to make me cringe at the thought of going on

And I sing songs of misery to no one listening

It’s tough in a world where no one cares and tears don’t dare to leave

But continue to pile up filling up the vacant hole I hold in my heart for where the love used to be

For the people in the world

And all the little girls who understand what it’s like to be

Abandoned it your deepest time of need and especially when you’re their seed

Where were you when I was crying out for help while he was on top of me

Holding me down looking at me with that twisted frown

The loudness of no sound escaping his mouth

As he took away my innocence and left me with a presence of guilt and regret

I tried to not upset the situation by not being a “tattle tale”

Because I thought that would make it better

But two years later, I’m here reading old letters

And guess what, it’s not fucking better

It’s worse, because the aching hasn’t dispersed

And because it was only the first not the last of the torture that wouldn’t pass

I can’t forget so the memories or nightmares keep replaying in my head

At night when I’m in bed and I can’t fucking block out the words he said

“I’m not good enough to be your first”

No, you’re not, you fucking alcoholic drug addict piece of shit

You’ll never be good enough because you’re less than spit!

But these words were never spoken as he continued in motion on top of me

And where were you mother or father or anybody?

Where the fuck were you?

But you see no one knows about that or what about that time when I was twelve

And I heard death bells as my best friend took a flight to the skies

To get away from this shit hell we call life and left me with the sacrifice

Where were you then when I couldn’t comprehend the depth of death

And the capacity of the infinity of loneliness

Where the fuck were you?

But please don’t stop to reply because as I continue to watch

These days go by and greet every morning with a sigh

I began to somehow realize that where you were

And what you were doing doesn’t matter anymore

Because it won’t take away the bruises that are still sore

Or those memories from before that never cease to remind me of the stupidity

I behold in a little old empty hole scientist call my brain

And lets not forget to mention the brains that I get

From all of these wanna be know it … alls that think they have it all figured out

And somehow understand why I scream and shout instead talking quietly

To a group of people that are trying to deny me my right to fight for me

Fucking people man…

But I could never get why you never got it

So does that make me and you the same in this game

We continue to play in which you are the queen and I am the pawn,

You play me so they can’t get to you and then I am the queen

And you are the pawn because I don’t care anymore

And I just don’t…

Care…

About you or them or maybe even me

Because you were never there and I am always reaping what,

I sew never getting a preview in a fashion show

And so I just don’t care anymore how the damn dress comes out

Or whether or not I will regret taking the complicated route

Because you weren’t there and I am always here

Tell me why do you think the only forms of abuse are sexual and physical

What ever happened to emotional and mental

Because my emotions are torn and where my thoughts should born

There is a vacancy while my minds mourns

To be void of the sadness it holds that make it so cold

You know what gets me the most tite,

Is during the fights you makes everything about you

Nothing is ever about me

You can never see what it’s like to be the epitome of a wanna be

So in my own words

I’m here telling you that I’m alone on this world

Filled billions of people

That try so hard and think they’ve succeeded at looking through me

To find what they call the epitome of a wanna be,

But they’ll never get it

And neither will you because me,

I’m fucking untouchable

You can call me the pseudo Homo- sapien

Because my role in the world is to play pretend

And if you ever shake hands with me you’ll feel it,

The fakest human being alive!

Thought I never existed, then it’s time to open your mother fucking eyes

Because I been here for 16 years searching for some cement to fill the hole

In my pounding internal segmented instrument

And I’m still searching…

Searching for who I am

In my own words!

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