I feel sad right now. I suppose, I haven’t wanted to be honest with myself about what it is that I am truly feeling right now. I am incredibly, incredibly sad.
I feel abandoned. I feel left and forgotten. And it hurts, tremendously. My family has done it again. And that’s why I am pretending like it has not happened this way. I am pretending that I don’t know that they use me for their own fulfillment and throw me away when I become disposable. When I have nothing or choose not to give them anything they desire, I am as good as dead.
I have been dead. Crippled broke. Too many times. And it never fails, every single time they leave me hanging. And more than anything else, it freaking hurts. I could honestly use anything they’d be willing and open to give right now. Whether simple yet, so significant, encouragement and admiration, just to remind that there are other people rooting for me in all of this, or their last $5, to help me make sure I have something to eat today or fare for the bus. I could never truly explain how beautiful it is to have support from those you love the most, in the roughest of times and most unexpected of places.
I recognize all that they’ve given me, to help me get where I am now. Yet, it doesn’t outweigh the fact that right now, in a typical moment where I need them the most, they are no where to be found. It’s really messed up.
I spent two days blacking on God, for not helping me out. In reality, I was mad at my family. Which really means, I was essentially mad at myself. But we knew that part. I just didn’t understand why no one would throw a sister a bone. I mean, I understand but not on a heart level. I could never understanding the coldness and meanness I face in my life, on a heart level. Because there’s absolutely no love in any of it.
Like, my mother for instance. She knows I’m dead broke. She knows that I have no way to get money. She knows. She knows I was trying to get courage to ask my father for money for weeks (which is another story). And yet, she goes to my father’s house and gets $20 from him. And doesn’t think to mention it. But proceeds to promise me about all of the help she’s going to give me in some distant, hopefully close, but you never know, future. That shit hurt, crazy!
It has nothing to do with the money, at all! Could a sistah use $20? Most definitely! That would be like gold to me right now, haha! Nonetheless, what’s $20, in all honesty? It comes and goes. I’ve had far more $20 bills touch my fingers than I could honestly count in my head.
Whether or not, I am poor as ever, and may or may not have ever come in contact with $20 or not, I have love and I know love. That is the one thing, that every person, whether they admit it or not, can afford to share and reward, everywhere they go and in everything they do, no matter who they are or how they live.
So, when my mother threw so much shade my way, it wasn’t the selfishness or slyness that bothered me, but instead, the hate, the distinct lack of lack love, which is inherently, fueled by hate. You’re going to go to my father and ask him for money, whilst I’m broke as hell, and not even tell me! The hate is so real, I can’t even stand it.
And then my father. I never know where to even begin with him. How grimey of a father could you be? I’m fucking almost 3,000 miles away and that’s not even enough for me to fucking matter! For you to say nothing and no one gets anything until my daughter is no longer left for dead? And of course, he looks out for the world, including my mother, long before I am demanding or urgent enough to pay attention to.
It’s crazy! Like wow! But then still, both of these folks, in their crazy ass realities, find time to rationalize how I have failed them or didn’t keep promises I made to them. If you don’t get the hell off of my line! It’s bananas!
So, as I sit here at Starbucks, broke as a joke, with not even enough funds to purchase a cool drink or simple croissant, I am filled with deep sadness. Because, it’s realer than ever to me now. For the time being, I simply can not mess with my family. Mother, father, siblings, anybody. It’s out of much love for them and myself.
It’s absolutely not fair for me to keep them in my life, as I rise up in my own expectations of myself and by result, surpassing those around me, and inherently setting them up for failure. They are not the people they need to be for themselves, and thus, can in no way possible, be the people I need for myself. And though, I am clearly still able and capable to be the person they think they need, that duty is automatically too taxing on me, an individual replenishing her spirit, who can get no spiritual growth from them.
I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I don’t want to feel left, lost and forgotten anymore. I don’t want to battle with feelings of soul deep worthlessness any longer. And people that treat me like this, make me feel that way. So, no matter who those people are, I need to dismiss them.
I know I’ll be blessed materially very soon, by God’s will. I’ll have what I need. And this is a part of my purge. My purge off all things negative and false in my life. I must endure this struggle, these days of insufficient material living, so as to fortify my life of sufficient spiritual living.
As I purge my life of this constant struggle to stay above water in an ever demanding capitalistic world, I anticipate the sense of security and new opportunities that will come from having more long term financial stability. But, what I anticipate most, is the wisdom I will have this time around, that will help me direct my resources in the most important of ways.
I am ready to give to people who need the most. No longer those who are around the most. Or those who whine, moan and groan the most. Or those who are the most manipulative or conniving. I have so much love to give, and countless ways to manifest it.
So, I am excited and ready, to finally give myself to the people that need me most. And contrary to popular belief, it isn’t my “family”. It’s the strangers worldwide, waiting to meet me, so I can give them the love they’ve been waiting for forever.