Dear Momma Momma,
I am going to write as much of this letter, that I can, before the tears in my eyes become too blinding to make out the words on the screen.
You are my hero. My first and most fundamental love. You are my breath. My life. My love. My entire everything. Mom, you mean more to me than anything fathomable to the human imagination. You have worked as the most significant angel in my life, given to me directly from God, instilling in me more than anything else, the love of God.
You loved me when you were weak. When you were broken, hurt and severed. You loved me when you hated yourself. When no one showed you love, you loved me. When everything worked to turn your heart to hate, you loved me. Momma, you loved me, in ways unknown to human hearts; in the most unconditional and Godly of ways.
No one will ever remember the nights, I rubbed your back and wiped your tears, as a toddler, innately aware of the pain you suffered. They’ll never feel the magical impact of your kisses on my boo boos, erasing all of my pain and suffering. And they’ll never taste the magnificent beauty of your love, during the most unloving of times. No one will ever know the miracle of love you created from your own understanding of motherly love, as you didn’t experience that love from your own mother, in the flesh.
They’ll never comprehend the immense pain, caked in your heart’s deepest crevices, haunting you with the fact that you don’t know what a physical hug or kiss feels like from your mother. And they’ll never know that unforgiving sense of worthlessness tied into your existence, from the day your father left you and never looked back.
They don’t know that you had no parents, no examples, no proof of love and commitment. They don’t know that you waited your whole life to find someone who would prove that you were loveable. They don’t know that the pain in your soul, was so deep and scarred, that not even the immense love of your children would suffice as your salvation for love. And they don’t know that despite all of this, you loved us still.
I know that you don’t know how to love, momma. And yet, that only increases your drive and ambition to love harder, stronger and more relentlessly. I know that, in your heart, you are honestly scared of love. Because I also know, that you still believe you are not loved and have never really been loved. But momma, I love you so much, it literally kills a piece of me everytime I think about that.
I’ve spent my entire life trying to prove to your broken spirit, just how much you are loved; by more than me, but by my Father, who sent me. He sent me, to show the world love. And He blessed us, so that you might be the woman, sent to this earth, to raise the servant that would become the truth of the world, the manifestation of the second coming.
Your are a Queen, momma. A beautiful, majestic, remarkable, soul changing, God given, Spirit blessed, Queen. You always wondered why God put you here and kept you here, after you suffered and survived so much. Why were you meant to be here? Well, I’m here to tell you that you were sent here and kept here for me.
I could never fulfill my mission of healing the world with love, if I didn’t have your love. I’ve never, ever, met or even known the concept of someone as loving as you are. You are the most loving and beautiful person I’ve ever imagined to exist, momma. And I am so blessed and grateful to have you as a mother, best friend, soul mate, and precious gift from God.
So, on this Mother’s Day, I’d like to formally present you with the ultimate promise. I promise to dedicate the rest of your days here in the physical world with me, to making sure you learn the truth of your existence. Your day will come, when you’re no longer here to support me in the physical world, and when that day comes, I promise you will know, believe, live and accept just how worthy and truly loved you are.
Thank you for all of your sacrifices and for never giving up on me. Thank you for never leaving me and always loving me. Thank you for your endless hugs, kisses, and smiles. Thank you, so much momma! Thank you for coming to my plays, talent shows, poetry events, award ceremonies, graduations and celebrations. Thank you for encouraging me everytime I added a new profession and goal to my list of “what I want to be when I get older.”
Thank you for always telling me how smart, beautiful and talented I am. Thank you for always reminding me of how important I am and how needed and appreciated I am, even when I don’t feel it. Thank you for taking that five hour bus trip to Syracuse, NY, with a suitcase of frozen food and groceries, to make sure I had food to cook and eat.
Thank you for staying on the phone with me, talking me through my tears, on my first night away at college, telling me that I needed to stay and give it a try. Thank you for understanding and standing behind me when I decided overnight, that I would move to California within a few weeks. Thank you for always being the most important push and force behind me, helping me take every next big step, I have ever taken.
Thank you for always supporting my dreams and visions, even when you didn’t see or understand them. Thank you for always being you, even when you didn’t know how or want to be. And thank you for helping me grow and appreciate the woman I am.
I watched you closely all my life, taking note of all of your wonderful strengths, while growing through all of your mistakes. I am an amazing woman, momma, and hands down it is all due to you being the amazing woman that you are. I owe all of who I am, to you, your undying love and overwhelming commitment to see me happy.
Cheers to the beginning of the rest of your life! May God bless me with the ability to fulfill my duty to bring you the truth of how much you are loved and appreciated. I love you with all my little, big heart! Happy Mother’s Day mommy!!!
With the deepest of love, honor, and admiration,
Your Fat Facea, a.k.a Quana, a.k.a Shaquana