Beach Day 5-15 No Smiles

I didn’t come to Los Angeles to struggle, ya know. I’m down to ride and die for my dreams, passions and desires, but only if they’re gonna ride and die for me. If I put out all that I have, all that I am, all that I can and know, and I get nothing back, I have to respect it, ya feel me. I gotta let it be, what it is.

I can’t stand to spend another day watching this city’s overwhelming homeless population be ignored, shunned and tossed aside like garbage, without being able to do something about it. I came here to propel my vision of changing the world, in small, very decisive and incredibly profound steps. Unfortunately, there are too many obstacles deterring me from fulfilling my purpose. And so, I feel virtually powerless and purposeless.

I feel a piece of my soul chip away, every day that passes, that I am not able to begin my feeding, clothing, housing program to assist the homeless people I often befriend and consistently pray for, as I walk down the streets of LA. I couldn’t realistically list all of the days and nights, I’ve literally cried, walking down the street, sitting on the bus or, trying to go to bed, thinking of the hungry and homeless people in LA.

I tell people all of the time, how much it pains me to see the homelessness in this city. It’s so systemic and engrained that it ceases to baffle me, the amount of disregard to other human beings that is so apparent in this city. I thought I’d seen a lot in New York City, with its attack on housing, public assistance and the basic human rights of “marginalized” communities throughout the city.

NYC’s former Mayor Bloomberg’s assault on homeless people and fire stations and former Mayor Giuliani’s devastation of city assistance programs, like daycare and solidification of Stop & Frisk Policy, have nothing on the homeless problem in LA. I haven’t even mentioned my experiences with the homeless shelters, food stamp program, and job market.

Am I bashing LA? No, of course not. Am I saying it’s worse, in any way, than NYC? Absolutely not. Every city has its good and bad and LA is no different in its level of good versus bad, than any other city, including NYC.

What I am saying is that I came here because I was told by Spirit that this was the place I could begin to make a difference in. I persevered through the tears, sadness, loneliness, and growing debt, with the belief that my sacrifice would amount to some great platform for me to give my all the lowest and most oppressed people in the world, starting right here in LA.

And, I have gotten nowhere. Instead, I feel the passion, drive and firm belief in what could be, slowly dying, everyday I sit idle, in this beautiful, yet heart wrenching city.

You could only imagine how difficult it is to deal with the fact that I’m too poor to pay for myself and my bags to get back cross country. Ugh! This life is a doozy, I tell you, haha. It’s so ridiculous sometimes, that I literally just have to crack up. I have overstayed my welcome, have no money to leave, no money to stay, and just barely enough energy to actually give a damn.

I’m working on getting the ends to dipset, and in the meantime just working to keep my spirit in tact. I am excited for what I can expect upon my arrival back to New York City. I am sad that I won’t be able to save the people here, that need me so desperately, but I am determined to conquer NYC and come back for LA, one day.

I know that I am the clearest I have ever been about what it is that I am supposed to do. Thus, I am absolutely convinced that the only way I could grow into this new stage of understanding is through obstacles and blockades to my goals. Nonetheless, I will always conquer, as I always do. I came to this city, that chews up the light of heart and spits out the faint of passion, with my eye in clear sight of what I want and need from it and what I can bring to it. No negotiations. No Plan B’s.

I will do it the way God ordained, or no way at all. If I am to struggle, weighing joy with sadness, I am so much better off doing it in a place called home. I hoped to make that place, here, in LA. And, that wasn’t the universe’s plan, apparently. So I’ll gratefully and graciously head back home, to replant my new, hand crafted roots of love and faith, in the concrete jungle that raised me.

And with that, I am compelled to throw out there, that if you should feel the spirit to move you to do so, I would graciously appreciate help with donations so I can buy my ticket home. And more significantly than that, I would graciously appreciate all of your prayers and faith in seeing God’s will fulfill His promises to me. Thank you!! And God bless you all!!