I think my voyage to Hollywood has come to an end. I am ready to go home. I want to go back to New York. In fact, I am dying to go back to New York and dread everyday that passes that I am still here, in California.

I am so blessed and humbled to have been able to experience such a glorious stage in my journey, in what I consider to be one of the most beautiful cities in the world. Los Angeles has treated me so well, showed me much love and then some and I am tremendously grateful to have been able to share my life with her. Nonetheless, my time here in fairy tale land, has ended. And I need to get back to New York, as soon as humanly possible.

The road that led to this realization, has been a long, contorted and quite confusing one. There is my physical reality and then my spiritual reality. Since I’ve been here, my physical reality has really been against me, in the most significant of ways. I haven’t and still don’t have a place to live, though blessed enough to stay with homies kind enough to extend their couches to a determined woman, with formidable passion and lust for what some call, the impossible.

I ran out of money a month into this beautiful dream and have lost ten pounds, from the food that also took a sacrifice for this vision. I have gone deeper and deeper into debt, investing my entire everything into a business that has yet to jump off, with no real stable backup plan for survival, other than God Himself.

While my website has made great strides, in the short time since it’s launch; my business, not so much. And I have no support systems here in LA, for me to be investing into a business that makes no income. I’m broke, homeless, hungry and slowly leaking out all the faith and passion I have left in me.

So, the physical dilemma is simple, either I give up my dream and passion for starting my own business, so as to make money while here in LA, or give up on LA, so as to pursue my business in a place with more support. I’m choosing to go home, to ensure the birth of my very concrete, and foreseeable vision.

Yet, what makes this entire goodbye so troubling for me is the fact that while my physical being is completely at peace with the decision, my spiritual being is in all types of disarray. This past weekend, I endured what was perhaps the most surreal spiritual experience I could have ever imagined, let alone witnessed in my lifetime. It’s quite honestly beyond explanation, though I wish it wasn’t. I wish there was some way for me to relay the tortured horrors of my spirit’s current reality into plain English. But there is no way. No way to explain or even understand.

Somehow my destiny, in one way or another, has gotten or perhaps always was, tied into the destiny of another spirit. Unfortunately, I can’t find a successful way to forge the existence of my spirit with that of the other spirit, to propel my destiny. I know, it sounds like gibberish. I told you, it’s impossible to explain. But, it sucks so bad, because it has my whole reality turned upside down.

It’s seems like I am supposed to be in a place that I am not in, for some reason connected to this other spirit. I am convinced that I am exactly where I supposed to be, no matter how messed up it may seem, so my only duty is to figure out why I am meant to be in a messed up place right now. I’ve literally been confirmed by God Himself, that I am in the clear for being a righteous servant.

We always have more to do, as I am always working on being the best version of God I can be. Nonetheless, it seems that my daunting reality isn’t tied into my righteousness or lack thereof, as it typically is.

As it seems, the only way I can ensure my success in LA, is if I redeem the spirit of a person I have never met in my life. It sounds nuts, I know. I wish I could explain it. And yet, I don’t. I really just wish I could fulfill this calling, I apparently have been given. But I can’t. So, LA won’t work. No, it doesn’t make the most sense, as I write it. But it is truth. So, it is what it is.

In any regard, here is a lens into the very difficult and always promising life of me, Shaquana Gardner. I have no idea what it is to come. Whatsoever. But, it will be beautiful and grand. And though, it may not be as great as God intended, it will be the greatest it possibly can be. And in a world with so little, greatness is most often, all one can ask for. Anywho, stay tuned. Let’s see what happens next in this plot called my life…

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