I have been void of authentic human love my entire life. I grew to learn that people don’t love themselves. This world is literally filled with hate and run by hate. Everyone, well most of everyone, is walking around living a life of hate, hate and more hate. There are millions of manifestations of this hate, but in the end, I’ve found, hate is hate, and it’s everywhere, in everyone, to some degree or another.
In light of my mission and declaration for love throughout the world, this is an important and quite significant realization. I learned that because people are really run and shaped by hate and darkness and absolutely afraid of the light, the only love and light they’re able to show and share is a twisted, contorted, perverse type of love that can only be born from a world as twisted, contorted, and perverse as the one we live in.
So, to make peace with the fucked up love the world has to give against the beautiful, God given love I have to give, I decided to settle. Or at least tried to. I had convinced myself that I could choose how much of my love to share with people while, while accepting the forms of love they were capable of giving, despite the ugly, fuckedupness about it. I could learn to love and accept people and what they had to offer, for exactly what and who they were. And that, I hoped, assumed, prayed, wished, and damn near begged, would be enough.
I figured, I was sent here to love, teach love and give love. And maybe, just maybe, after I’d redeemed the world’s lack of love with what I had to give, I be redeemed myself. I’d hopefully feel and finally see the love I’ve been giving and seeking my entire life. I was willing, wholeheartedly to sacrifice myself, my happiness, and sincere joy for the sake of loving the world into light and out of the darkness it’s in.
“This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but people loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil. Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that their deeds will be exposed. But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what they have done has been done in the sight of God.” – John 3:19-21
I decided today, that’s just not gonna work. At least not how I planned. I don’t want twisted, perverse fucked up love. I just don’t! Sorry, I’m not sorry Father. I have a quarter of a century’s worth of fucked up, twisted and perverse love. I think I’m good my dude! And there’s no beef with God or the world for not being able to offer me more from the human race. It’s really all good.
As long as, people understand what I just said, I do not want twisted, perverse, fucked up love. At all. Whatsoever. From anyone. Altogether. I’ll do without. So, I don’t want or desire for people that don’t know how to love themselves, to keep trying to love me. Because it’s holding me back. It distorts my understanding of what type of love really exist within the human race, outside of myself.
When there’s so much darkness lurking around, even if only in the most hidden corners of your reality, the light won’t be able to shine as bright as it is supposed to. In some cases, the most powerful way to fully illuminate your existence, is to walk away, rather than towards, the darkest corners. You sometimes have to look for new corners to shine your light on, to fully illuminate your existence.
So, yea. I’m moving on, toward loving those who want to be loved and are ready to live in the light. Everyone else really needs to fall back. More and more everyday I began to realize just how few, if any, people already exist in my life that are ready to live in the light, fully. Nonetheless, the more renowned I am at kicking the old darkness to the curb and repelling new darkness, I will find more and more people truly ready to live in the light.
With that being said, my bon voyage back east, isn’t me going back to what I left. It is me saying goodbye to what I forgot to leave behind. From there on, it’s just me, light and love and a huge world to share it with.
I’m ready. And I can’t wait to show you just how much!