I have come a long way in my lifetime. Looking back from where I have been, to where I am now, to where I plan to be one day, brings so much clarity on all that I have gained in this world filled with far too many losses.
This poem, “Against The Odds”, was written following my first year of college at Syracuse University. Reading it now, in many ways I struggle to understand where I was coming from and what motivated me when I wrote this poem originally. Though, the sentiment of the poem exactly mirrors my current view of my duty to face the odds, the words reflect a completely different person.
The anger, frustration and disappointment reflect the nature of a young woman still seeking to please the world and most particularly, her family, mother and especially, her father. The resentment centered chip on her shoulder screams in every word of the poem. A poem of a young woman turned misanthrope, recluse, cynic, and a skeptic of all things grand and beautiful.
And yet, she still got it. Even back then, when she was still angry, tired and pissed the hell off. She understood that there were many who struggled with wanting to see her successful. And that, she was the only one who could make it happen, with or without the help of others.
As I reminisce on the days following my first year away from home, and I recall the feeling of resentment and legitimate hatred from people I expected to be a support to me, it comes back to me. My very early understanding and acknowledgement of the fact that more often than not, the people I expect to support me in the biggest feats of my life, are those that discourage me the most.
I didn’t realize how large the calamity of hatred and systematic opposition I would face, would be, when I first wrote this poem back in Summer 2008. But I do now. As much as I was speaking for the moment back then, I was also speaking for every moment that was to come. The moment I live in right now.
And yet, I am no longer the young woman who wrote this poem. I am no longer the author of such hateful, dark and even twisted words and beliefs. I no longer need to attack or detest the one that hates me or struggles to show me love. I have nothing but love, appreciation and joy to share with that person.
I love you all. All of the naysayers, the doubters, the unbelievers, the haters, the straight up discounting, truth dodging, ‘wedon’tcarewhatyoudoyou’llalwaysbenothingtome’ dedicated fans, who may never see anything good in me.
Whether you accept me or not, approve of me or not or pose as an obstacle on my path to God’s glory, I love you regardless and truthfully, I always will. Thank you for all of the love, even if you could only show it through hate.
Against The Odds
I tried so hard and cried so hard-fought to the death
And never allowed any rest
And finally I have reached a place
Where I believe I deserve a break in the bind, a revolution in design.
You see I’ve been kicked and punched,
Slapped and fucked
And never once picked up
So over and over
I built my own self back up
With the help of no one,
Many times my strength and spirit undone
I never asked for help
Because I never could,
Never expected sympathy
Because I knew no one would give it
So fuck it
I’ll say without a doubt
I fought hard against the mold
And made it pretty fucking far
And in return I just get shitty looks
And funny glares
Envious eyes and challenging dares
It’s so funny the amount of people
Waiting for me to fail, to back down and bail
And even funnier are their expressions
As I continue to sail
Passing all of these losers as they sit in hell
I mean I’m not asking for a pat on the soldier
Or even a congrats
I can imagine how shitty it must feel
To have just sit back and watch greatness
All you can do is get at me
But I would just expect
That you do a better job
Of hiding your jealousy and contempt
I know the devil is always at work on your soul
But you should really just try,
Make an attempt
It baffles me the amount of people
Waiting for my demise,
Shit you would think I was the Joker,
Lex Luther or the Green Goblin
just passing in disguise
There a many times I was wretched
In deep sadness and confusion
Really trying to unpack
But now I just find it amusing
For every sincere individual,
There are ten back stabbing bitches
And another ten fucked up dudes
But they do say misery loves company
Those who fail hate to see you succeed
And love when you’re down