Keeping in line with Flashback Friday and my month of reminiscing, I would like to share a very special poem with you. A poem that I rarely share, as it seeps right into the core of the person I used to be.
As I’ve mentioned before, I have severe daddy issues and have come far, in my plight to building a better me, in spite of those issues. A major tool, helpful in getting rid of the baggage and weight that sunk me for so long, is to acknowledge and even confess, to what I used to be.
I was once a very damaged young woman. Extremely damaged. And I came from a place of hurt and mistrust, everywhere I went. Much of that was displayed through anger, selfishness and conceit. I was the essence of an emo, project kid. Imagine early 90’s Nirvana, meets late 90’s Eve. I was super emotional and had the hugest chip on my shoulder; a quintessential rebel without a cause.
Through that period, I was forced to deal with immense abandonment and daddy issues, which haunted every move I made in my life. So, naturally, much of my anger and hate went toward my father, for leaving me and stealing my chance at a life, with a dad. I carried that anger for many years, weighed down by it’s depth and robustness.
This poem, written directly following my freshman year of college, reflected much of the anger that came from the acknowledgement, that I would be haunted by my daddy issues forever. Or, so it seemed.
This poem marks the beginning of my faithful goal to make peace with my hate for that man, forgive him and myself for what that hate did to me and move on to a life unburdened by the clouds of abandonment.
And so, I present to you, an ode. My “Ode, To The Dead Beat Daddy.”
Ode To The Dead Beat Daddy
I don’t know what I ever did to deserve this exile
But I can list many effects from it,
Depression, low self esteem and extreme fucking denial
You’re a fucking sperm pusher, a con artist, a hustla
You donate ya soldiers and when war comes,
You say “it’s too much” for ya.
The sad thing is there are so many out there
Just like you
And even sadder is that
There are so many that aren’t like you at all
Those real men that really stand tall….
It’s like, so many times
I would just say “fuck him, fucking dead beat”
And let your loser ass off
But I must say now, I’m just extremely pissed the fuck off.
Because you see, I finally must force myself to see
And nderstand that I didn’t do a damn thing to make you
A fucking screw up or
Left you up against the world by your damn self
I did what the hell I was supposed to do,
Fought against so much bullshit
And still managed to keep true,
That is to me, my family and most importantly my word
And how absurd it is that you could find the strength in yourself
To treat me like a piece of shit on your shoe
That you’re just trying to get off, spin off, get rid of.
How incredibly surprising it is to me
How audacious such a man could be
And seem to proudly wear the badge of the epitome
Of a dead beat daddy.
But you still manage in your fucked up heart and soul
To find lies and bullshit to throw
And yet, you sleep at night
But no worries, you’ll get yours
When you bite the fucking dust you bastard
I’m not a shitty daughter or person
So I don’t deserve to be shitted on
Unlike your lying ass, I kept my promises
And stayed to my word,
Did my best at everything
And survived the fucking odds.
But I’ve been way too nice, it seems
And have let you get away
With just silent treatment a
And scorn from afar.
But this scar
You’ve left is pulsating
With anger and frustration,
Disappointment and devastation,
Sadness from manipulation.
So you see,
This is my ode to the dead beat daddy.