touch me 

This poem, originally titled ‘Reminisce’, was written sometime around my junior or senior year of high school. It was written in tribute, almost, to my unbroken silence surrounding my rape. In many ways, by writing this poem, I was challenging myself, demanding of myself, even, that  I break the silence.

I wonder, now, why I named the poem ‘Reminisce’, instead of ‘Silenced’, and I have no idea why. I know that I was aware of the definition (Reminisce: to recall past experiences, events, etc.; indulge in reminiscence) and understood the words’ contextual meaning, as well. I knew that the feeling I got, when I recalled the memories of being raped and thereafter, being silenced, was not reminiscent. And yet, I named it ‘Reminisce’.

I suppose, perhaps I was too scared to call this poem what it really was. I was too scared perhaps, to acknowledge the terror of that memory. In fact, I never read this poem, for more than four years, after I wrote it. And, I honestly knew I wasn’t going to read it, when I wrote it. So, truthfully, now that I think of it, I probably made the title, something, anything, that wouldn’t remind of what the poem, was in fact about. Being silenced by rape.


Silenced

He silences me every time I open my mouth

Taking away any strength I fought hard to waver up

I can never say it and make them

Understand what happened that day

And even though, I know not where he is or what he is doing

Just the image of him on top of me

Is enough to make me

Remember why I was silenced in the first place

So many girls are silenced everyday

Because of the threats they were given,

Or the regret they’re living

And the embarrassment that followed

So many people tell me that it wasn’t my fault

And I know this

But I won’t ever believe it

Not as long as the memories remain

Hollowed in my mind

And I attempt to find a sign

That the misery from that day will end soon

And the regrets that arose will retreat with the

Fastening pace of my heartbeat

My words get lost in my throat

And block my air way

Making it hard for me to breathe

And then to speak

He always knows how to keep me quiet

And

Silenced

Deafening silence escapes my mouth

As I make effort to scream

To be heard over the noisiness of my regret

Without effort he slowly kills me

The quiet of my thoughts

Swallowed my voice

And my heart stopped beating

When the oxygen from my blocked airway was cut off

As I reminisce

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