I spent the last two months of 2014, reflecting hard and long on all of my years’ past, in deep consideration of how I wanted them to represent my year to come. In such, I needed to process all I had done, all I wanted to do and all I was capable of doing, to develop a plan for all I will do.
One of the things that kept running through my mind, despite my most earnest attempts at dispelling it, was thoughts about parenthood. And with that, thoughts about creating a family. I kept asking myself, what did I plan to do about my goal to build a family of my own?
How was my year of 2015 going to prepare me for what I considered to be, one of my greatest goals yet, to be a mother? What did I plan to do, to prepare myself for finding and fortifying a friendship, romantic partnership and lifetime commitment with another person?
Then it dawned on me! Like, poof! Out of nowhere, it all clicked!
I realized, that I, in fact, don’t want children right now. At all! Like, at all, at all!
For that matter, I damn sure don’t want to be anyone’s wife or life partner, whatsoever!
When I really think about it, I realize that in my greatest of fantasies, I would be alone, focused and building my empire to transform the face of the world, as we know it. As grateful and blessed as I would feel and be, to receive the honor of bearing a child to bring into this world, I am not at all, seeking to do that right now.
I like to think of my goals for life, through the analogy of a cake. My goal to help change the world and the people in it, is the cake. As yummy as the most moistest cake might be, it would taste absolutely incomplete and even dry, without icing.
The icing on my cake would be having a child. Now, as wonderful as the tastiest cake with icing might be, the thing that makes it truly spectacular is, the cherry on top. And the cherry on top, in all honesty, is having a person to share the joy of changing the world and raising a child with, for the rest of my life.
“The magic is not in getting married, it’s in staying married” -‘Baggage Claim’
So, that leads me to what I discovered about myself and the power of peer pressure, in our current day and age. Why in the hell was I convinced, with all my heart and soul, that I wanted to be a mother and create a family, in the first place?
What would make a woman, who spent more than three-quarters of her lifetime (literally, until three years ago) repulsed by the idea of making a family, suddenly become convinced that the only thing missing in her twenty-five years of life, is a child?!
Well, the answer isn’t so simple. To be concise, nonetheless, it was peer pressure and mastery at mental trickery.
Three years ago, I was pregnant for the second time, by a man who I had convinced myself, (in very short amount of time, might I add) was the first person I ever considered making a family with. I always told myself, the reason I didn’t want children or marriage, was because I wasn’t convinced there was someone out there that I would truly want to be connected to for a full lifetime!
As luck might have it, I fell in love with the man who changed it all. And then, he abandoned me; and, the growing fetus, inside of my womb. I was devastated, confused and damaged. In all, I decided, or rather, compelled myself, to abort the pregnancy. And, from the there, my yearning for motherhood began to grow, viciously.
As luck would have it again, two years ago, I was pregnant for a third time. This time, with someone I had actually discussed marriage and creating a lifetime together, prior to. But, as God would have it, I had a miscarriage, and lost the baby; and, the man (smh, right?). And so, my yearning for motherhood, soon grew to fester out of control.
In all, I spent the last two years, convincing myself that I had to become a mother, and if possible, a wife or lifetime partner, to prove to myself and God, that I was capable of making a family. It didn’t help that, every man I’ve met since, has mentioned having children and making a family with me. Then, there are those damn Facebook pictures of people having babies and creating lifetime partnerships, and all that good stuff (or, so it looks good).
Let’s not forget to mention the biggest culprit of all; my mother! This woman is absolutely convinced that her time on earth has a super finite expiration date (she’s only 52), and she needs to see me create a child before she goes. So, I pretty much need to hurry up because, she apparently doesn’t have that much time left.
I didn’t realize the magnitude of these compounding emotional, philosophical, spiritual and social pressures, in such that they could allow me to, brainwash my own damn self.
I mean, really, I am a whole lot of the same woman I was three years ago, before I said goodbye to my second child; a woman who is headstrong on changing the world, at all costs.
I read an article today, titled “Entrepreneurs Suck At Relationships”, which argues that the mind of an entrepreneur is triggered to build new, create better and see more, despite all foreseeable boundaries recognized by non- entrepreneurs. Our insistent desire to expand the limitations of limits as we know them, often takes energy and commitment that are sacrificial offerings from our other priorities, like family and friends.
I not only, wholeheartedly agreed with the article, but suddenly found myself expanding the author’s logic into other areas. As the activist and purposed leader of the world, that I aim to be, there will come a point where my commitment to the movement, will be in conflict to my commitment to the people and things I love most.
“There is no person in the world, who has the unsolicited time, justified selfishness and unapologetic commitment to create the most beautiful version of themselves, as a young, single, and childless twenty something!”
So, how do I compound my goals of changing the world and building a family, into something that plausibly fits into my reality?
I have no idea! Haha! But, I do know that I believe it is possible. And, I believe it will be done. Just not right now.
As a childless mother, I am pained to feel the same passion, goals and motivation as a mother with live children, though I have none. I still do and always will, share a deep connection with the spirits of the children that I never gave birth to, though they are not here in person. Those spiritual linkages, in midst of great peer pressure, continue to drive me to dream of sharing such connections in person, with a little human I can call my own. Nonetheless, I don’t necessarily seek to do that right now.
I am dedicated to building my empire. Within that empire, will stand a very special and designated throne for the children, God willing, I will create one day. Beside those designated thrones, will be the throne of my lifetime partner.
I am committed to building something within myself so strong, that it can sustain something outside of myself, forever and ever. Until then, I’m just straight chillin’.
There is no person in the world, who has the unsolicited time, justified selfishness and unapologetic commitment to create the most beautiful version of themselves, as a young, single, and childless twenty something! I intend to exploit that until, well, until I can’t!