There was a time when I was always hurt, always angry, always confused and always struggling to make it to the next day. Every #FlashbackFriday, I seek to remind myself and the world of who I was and more importantly, who I have become.

There was in fact a time, when I was always going through it and everything I wrote, in one way or another, reflected that. I remember when I was in high school and would perform spoken word at slams and open mic events, and people would always praise my poetry right before, almost carefully asking, why was all of my poetry so, dark?

Written during junior year of high school, in midst of great heartbreak, loss of friendship, and teenage depression, this #FlashbackPoetry is a poem filled with, what is now a very unfamiliar feeling of deeply embedded hurt and overwhelmingly powerful anger.  Another flashback to my time in the darkness. And, another reminder of my current life in the light!



I always preferred blank papers over ones filled with words

because words hurt

and believing that children’s bullshit ain’t never work,

the entire philosophy is bizerk

because can’t no body convince me

that words don’t hurt

when everything becomes broken promises and bullshit lies

The pain I’m feeling is indescribable unstoppable

how can I describe to you how impossible it is for me

to be happy and smile with purity

even though I’m damaged beyond repair

and there ain’t no one that can scare me into believing

that there’s anything worth achieving

because this life is deceiving and I can keep on reaching

but there ain’t shit to grab that’s in reach

So I’m sitting here lost and confused hurt and abused

and shit ain’t making sense

because it doesn’t hurt where I was burned

and nothing is ever the same as I learned

when I thought I knew everything

but won’t I ever learn that bitches lie and niggaz cheat

so I need to open my eyes and stay on my feet,

never trust anyone and remain discreet

with what I choose to disclose to the world.

I guess I’m sad or maybe I’m mad

but I gotta say I’m a little glad

because I was right

and what more can a girl ask for?

I feel numb and immune

so I can no longer allow my heart to consume

the hatred and jealousy that the world carries

I like who I am and what I’ve become for the most part

and goddamit I can’t help it if you don’t

because I won’t change

who I am to fit the demands

of this ever selfish world

And I don’t know if anything I say right now

makes any sense

but that’s how I feel

so all I can do is feel it

and spill it

hoping every second that I kill it