All day, I’ve been struggling to produce a #MotivationalMonday post because, well, I’m not feeling too motivational today. Like, at all, at all.
On a day like today, I feel somber and sad. I feel beaten and tired. I feel overwhelmed and underachieved. I don’t feel glorious within and without. I don’t feel lovely and amazing. I don’t even feel merciful and blessed. I feel alone and forgotten. I feel lost and abused. I feel like…. *huge sigh*… Yep, I feel like a big huge sigh. Like the wind has been knocked out of me and I’ll never breath again.
I won’t even pretend to explain where all of this draining emotion and energy is coming from. It’s too much and yet, nothing at all. I just wish I had someone, right now, right here, who could just get it. I wish I had someone who would cry for me, and not for themselves. Someone to love me, as much as they want me to love them.
I really wish I could find someone who could make me believe that I am not the last person on the earth that isn’t a greedy, ungrateful, selfish, self-centered narcissist.
I really really wish there was someone out there, really interested in just giving me something to smile about, when I’m too human and silly to remember the immense beauty of the world (like, right now).
I don’t want or need a sympathy hug right now. I need even more than an empathy hug. I need love. Real, true, fundamental love. Really really bad right now. Because I feel so freaking alone. ='(
Any who, judging how I don’t have anything that I need right now and yet, feel the compelling desire to keep going anyway, I’m looking for something else. I’m working extremely hard to make myself the enough that I know I am. I need to be enough for myself right now, because I don’t have anyone else.
While being enough for myself, I won’t and can’t be enough for anyone else. Don’t expect or request anything from me right now, because I barely have enough to offer myself. And that hurts so bad.
I just have to remember that life is all about balance. When anything in our lives is off-balance, our emotional state and energy will reflect that. I have to remember that I am human. I am not perfect. I am not a head or basket case. I am not out of my mind or emotionally unstable.
I am just a freaking spirit, living a human experience. This shit is hard. This human being shit is nuts. There’s no rhyme or rhythm to it. No way to confine it into something that makes sense or has real meaning. The only way to make sense of it, is to keep living it.
I needed to share this with someone, anyone. I really did. I am not perfect. I am also not one in a million. I am simply another human being having another human being experience.
I would cry with joy to chat with even 1/100th of the billions of people worldwide, struggling to get through today, just like me. Because, we could prove we aren’t the only ones.
That there are more of us humans who can understand and define humanity for ourselves, than not. Those of us who know deep down, that we don’t really need a therapist or prescription to tell us what’s “wrong” in our heads. Those of us who know that there is no emotion under the sun that we’ve ever felt that hasn’t been felt before.
So, tomorrow, when I write another article, God willing, that is filled with a more upbeat tone of love, excitement and joy, remember this post. Remember my humanness. Remember that for every good day I share with you, there’s a bad one I feel compelled to hide from you. And remember that, even when I didn’t feel or believe in anything motivational, I still wrote.
In all, today’s #MotivationalMonday post was supposed to feature a motivational film (that I have lined up perfectly for you all). Yet, that’s not what was in my heart and thus, I couldn’t share that. I needed to share something more authentic to my energy and emotions right now. And so, here you read this post.
I suppose the #MotivationalMonday part of this post comes now. God willing, I will rise tomorrow and I will be better, feel better and do better. I will because, I said I will. Sometimes you just need motivation to get to the next step, the next move, the next goal.
My goal today, was to make it through the day. That goal was enough motivation for me to know that, if and when I could get through the day, I could get through this week.
Getting through, for me at least, is the first step to getting better. Getting stronger. Getting through is the first step to getting anything else. You can’t get anything, if you don’t get through it.
So, for today, I encourage you all to just get through it. Whatever “it” may be for you right now. Worry about the rest of it when and if, you get there.