So I went to an amazing conscious love event, paying homage to Black love. It was rampant and abound, love flowing throughout every crevice of the night’s atmosphere, energy and vibes. It was infectiously real, beautiful and eccentric.
And so, how does that lead to my question of “Women+ Sex= ???” Well, that plays heavily into my growing transition into owning my love of all people, including but not limited to those who subscribe to the female and male gender typing. I still have this heteronormative world to conquer and maneuver around, and it’s tough.
I feel super alone, in the weirdest of ways. I know that I am by far, not alone in what I am facing. Yet, I find it incredibly hard to say how I feel, or what I see and encounter on a daily basis with this new beast of self-definition.
I still feel like I’m too straight to be able to declare my love for woman, whatever that means. I am still too caught up in my own personal lies and obstacles, hindering my freeness in sharing my love for woman openly.
I am clearly beating around the bush here, haha! Smfh! This is why I shared this “secret”/ non- secret with you all. To build reinforcement for accountability. I have to get through this self-imposed shame of my love for all people. I feel so pressured to honor old self, when faced with the potential to be open about my attraction to woman.
“I felt kind of cheated. Like someone stole my choice in deciding who my love could and would be assigned to.”
So, back to this event. There was a cool part of the event, where the host asked us to choose and write a haiku about someone we found to be the most beautiful or attractive person in the room. Later in the show, the haikus would be read aloud. I chose the most beautiful person in the room, to me. She was gorgeous. Stole my breath as soon as I laid eyes on her.
My haiku to her was something like:
Eyes wide, bold and safe. Beautiful love, bravely new. So pure! So true! You!
This all leads up to the grand finale. The host reads my card first. And then… he directly says, “guys, which one of you think this is about you?” I didn’t know what to do. I felt kind of cheated. Like someone stole my choice in deciding who my love could and would be assigned to.
It seemed like most of the guys in the room threw up their arms, hoping my haiku was for them. It made me feel even worse. Because they were hopeless. And so was I. All night, they just dreamed of me looking their way, thinking more than twice about them or tattooing their name and scent in my brain.
All along, I was staring in the eyes of one of the most beautiful woman I have seen in way too long, stuck on how to send her my message of love. Was she attracted to woman? Is flirting with random women as easy as it is with random men? Am I being classic Shaquana again, and over-thinking all of this way too much? Isn’t it all just love in the end, anyway?
While I continue working out all of my confusion, I’d like to officially get a conversation started here on EverythingShaquana. I need your input world, viewers, fans, following. I need your discussion and personal expertise of your own lived truths and gained wisdom.
In all, after last weekend’s experience, somehow the most conflicting question I am still faced with is: women+ sex= what?When people consider the terms “Woman” and “Sex,” what comes to mind?
The often, suffocating air of the overtly hetereonormative event, had me feeling like the only equation to woman+sex, was man. Which is nuts! It made me wonder how individual people even come to define woman’s sexual endeavors.
“Based on Google, “Woman” + “Sex,” shows yet again, any definition of a woman, is somehow tied into a man.”
How does a person look at me, and immediately create a full-blown image about what my sex and sexuality look like? And who it looks like that, with? I just don’t understand. So, here’s the question folks, when you personally think of “Woman”+ “Sex”, what equation comes to mind? Be honest.
Let me add for insight, that when I searched this term on Google, the first five articles were all about sex positions “woman” apparently enjoy. They also, happened to only be posted on men’s websites, from mensfitness.com, to askmen.com. Based on Google, “Woman” + “Sex,” shows yet again, any definition of a woman, is somehow tied into a man.
Please, folks! Those of you who define yourself as a woman, please join this discussion with me. I need help here. Don’t shy away from joining the conversation. Speak up and out! For real!
We as women, must have more definition to our sexual selves, than what the world and its men have defined for us, right?
I truly look forward to your input. Okay, I’m done now! You all have the floor.
Women + Sex= ???