Only God knows that this post has been a long time coming. I am so grateful and proud to announce that I, Shaquana Gardner, am pregnant!! I am all types of cheesing as I write this right now. I am so grateful to God for this opportunity. It is a very special gift to be able to bring a child into the world. More precious and unique than any other gift the world has to offer.
I can’t put it into words. I will find the ability to do so one day. For now, for those who have never tried, been able to or wanted to bear a child inside them, please take my word for it. It is the greatest honor one could ever receive.
The more I consider the great value of life itself, the more I humbly respect and give thanks for the creation of new life. The ability to recreate oneself, in the form of an entirely separate being. The idea that life does not end with me. That the physical existence of man will not die, when my shell of a being dies. The idea that we, as human beings, have a role in maintaining such a fact.
There are no children without God. And, no children without human beings. During the creation of a life, that is the only time God and man become one. The only time that the power of a human being is as close as ever, to the power of God Himself. There is no us without Him. And no Him without us. That is never more clear than when God creates life and gives humans the power and free, mighty will to bring that life to fruition.
This understanding in and of itself, of the power of life and the creation of life, is so deep that it will likely take me all my days to translate to the world we live in today. A world where human life is so devalued. Where bearing life inside one is more of a commodity, for better or worse, than a precious gift. Where God has no reign and man attempts to rule all. As time follows, I pray I will continue to be a useful tool in translation of the power I feel inside of me.
For right now, God has granted me the freedom to simply bask in the blessings bestowed upon me in this moment. Before I consider all that could go wrong, all that could not happen, all that may come undone, I will simply say thank you. Thank you sweet Jesus! Thank you Father! Thank you Lord, Allah, Jah, Olodumare, God!! Thank you blessed angels, spirits, watchers, saints and ancestors! Thank you from all I have to offer to you all! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
I have another chance to prove to the spirit that chose me for her mother, to God and to myself, that I am what God ordained me to be. I am the woman He called me to be. I am the mother He blessed me to be. I am the savior He predestined me to be. Every time this beautiful angel moves inside of me, I thank God with all my heart. Every tiny and very painful kick I feel, reminds me that God has not given up on me, and in such, I can not give up on myself.
Every time I soothe my distressed uterus into calm, I remember that I can do this. That I was born to do this. I was born to be this little baby’s mommy. I just have to work hard as ever to get her here. To bring her to life. To put the breath of God Himself into her tiny little lungs. I will do this. I have all the faith in the world. This will come to be. As my Father Himself has promised me.
And then the world of reality hits me. I remember the human circumstances of this spiritual blessing. I remember that I am still a struggling, though vehemently determined writer, without a dime to her name. I remember that I am still facing the worse “food insecurity” I’ve ever known. I remember that I have no medical support, as doctors refuse to acknowledge my pregnancy.
I remember my testimony about my past of two abortions and one miscarriage. I remember my second miscarriage, the one I never had the heart to speak of or fully acknowledge. I remember that I am very much single. I remember that the other half of the equation that formed this beautiful blessing is M.I.A and pretty intent on staying that way. I remember that I am a child of God, in a world of Sodom and Gomorrah. I remember that this in many ways, is as much a blessing, as it is an uphill battle toward Glory.
The more I consider all of the trials and tribulations that I may be facing and might have to look forward to, the more blessed I feel. Sounds nuts, right? Haha! It’s simple, though. For God to give me such a huge blessing, one so great that it took many years of pain, confusion and mistakes to prepare for, in midst of such great obstacles, He must believe in me! You all have likely heard a time or two, the saying, God won’t give you more than you can bear.
How often though, does one truly consider the depth of such a truth? God does not give you more than you can bear. How can you or I believe that on those days we feel the most alone, frightened or forgotten? How, in midst of our worse horrors and fears, can we believe that we’re strong enough, or even ready enough, to battle the beast God has laid before us? How can we believe that we, likened to David, can truly face and conquer a beast so great, it’s likened to Goliath? How you ask?
Perhaps, just perhaps, you are mightier than the giant. Perhaps, I am strong enough to conquer all trials that lie ahead, with the steadfastness and strength of God. For I have done so before. More than a time or two. I have survived in midst of all else that was lost. I’ve conquered trials before, birthing them into triumphs. I’ve done it before. So, why not believe that I can do it again?
God has to believe in me. Otherwise, he would never have made the stakes so high, or the obstacles so great. In such, the reward will be even greater. The highest reward I could ever have imagined, let alone asked for. The gift of life.
I consider now that perhaps one of the major reasons I never “wanted” children or a family is because I was never quite convinced that I was good enough. Or strong enough. Or willing enough. I have always viewed and honored mothers as the heart, soul and brain of the earth. In light of all of my God-given mightiness and self proclaimed greatness, I’ve never seen myself as worthy enough to be a mother. Mothers are the core of life itself. They are the nearest to God one can be, after childhood. They are the creators of life. The most precious thing humanity will ever have.
To think, me, once little Shaquana Gardner, could hold such a high position in this world, is beyond words. I’ve often contemplated the fact that I still don’t feel like a “grown” woman, so to speak. I considered that perhaps I would feel more grown when I finally get own my own. My own home. Business. Life. Career. When I own my own me. The feeling of life inside of me and the prospect of bringing that life into fruition beats all of that. This is my own mark of grown womanhood.
I am a grown woman now. Not because I’m pregnant. Not because I have the prospect of being pregnant. For neither alone, could fortify being a grown woman, by far. I am a grown woman now because I know the price of life. I know the value of breath. I am a grown woman because I understand, more than ever, the miracle of life itself. And only grown folk understand that. Or so I’ve learned is the difference between being a child and being an adult. Knowing what it means to be ALIVE!
I leave you all today, with my love, best wishes and prayers. I pray you all send nothing but rays of white light my way, as God knows I could use as much as ever. Pray for me y’all. This is the greatest test I’ve ever faced, and I intend to pass with flying colors. I just gotta do what I been doing. Putting God first. Honoring truth and love. Living righteously, with purpose. The rest will fall in line. I have an abundance of faith. Look how far I’ve come already! Thank you God!! A’se!