I am so raw from the emotion in my heart, I am morbidly afraid to put finger to keyboard right now. I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to reel in the pain of what is. Just for the sake of what is.
Yet, I must. I must make peace. I must make amends. I must choose to heal and not to harrow. I must let it out.
Last night, on Grey’s Anatomy, Derek died. He’s dead. Gone. Not in the flesh of imaginary ppl any longer. And I am kind of broken inside. I spoke a little to the depth of love I hold for Grey’s, in last week’s NaPoWriMo post, “Better Late Than Never, Or So They Say.”
I mentioned my grave fear of what seemed inevitable for the fate of Dr. McDreamy on Grey’s Anatomy. That fear came true last night. Derek is dead. Gone. Not with us in the Grey’s world anymore. And quite truthfully, a piece of me died with him. A very deep, powerful piece of me.
The thing I found within myself, throughout the length of a long, long night, last night, was that I was okay. I am okay. I am going to be okay. It will be okay. The piece of me that died, was going to be okay.
That piece of me that died with Derek, is the piece of me that needed to live in spirit fully, to do away with the ways of the world. In saying goodbye to that piece, the perhaps, most broken piece of me, I have been freed to say hello to all other pieces of me.
As much as I am writing in the literal today, I am writing in the metaphysical. Something so deep within me, has been revealed by this one telling and quite powerful, episode. So deep in fact, that I can only relay the discovery of such, through this metaphor of Derek’s passing and Grey’s storytelling.
I wouldn’t be me, without him. I wouldn’t be here, without him. He saved me. He too, was my breath of fresh air. And my heart is broken, now that he’s gone. But I am stronger. I am wiser. I am better. I am alive. For the both of us. So, I must continue to live on. For the both of us.
Tomorrow is an important day for me. April 25th. The day, my best friend Marlene, was born into this world. She passed away 13 years ago this May, and with her, a piece of me passed on too. It is only now that I understand how powerfully moving the passing of a blessed partner, can be. Particularly, for the positive.
I wouldn’t be here today, if it were not for the sacrifice of Marlene. And now, I can add him to that list. His sacrifice will give life for many more days to come, for all I am purposed to do. So, with that, I’ll leave today’s 24th day of NaPoWriMo with a poem titled, “Goodbye. Goodbye.” Enjoy and God bless!
I’ve never been good at goodbyes
Always holding on longer than I should
Always working to shield my inevitable cries
Unable to let go, even if I could
The worse goodbyes are the ones we regret
The goodbyes filled with only sadness and upset
I want to say goodbye to you
With love and truth
Because holding on any longer, would be futile
The longer I hold on, the more I hurt
As, we both know, lying doesn’t work
You won’t reappear because I dream you do
I won’t feel your embrace, because I hope it’s true
I can be mad at you, angry even, if I dare
But after losing so much, how can that be fair?
You’re gone, I’m not
That’s about as unfair as it can be
For you of course. Not selfish me
So, I’ll say goodbye to you, my love
Because that’s what you’d want more than anything
You’d want peace and blessings
From your soul mate and true love
You’d want me to make amends with your physical
And welcome in full, the birth of your spiritual
So, goodbye to your physical