So today is Mother’s Day and I feel the greatest need to write something about it. My struggle of course, is that I am in this new place of unapologetic truth bearing and thus, a bit nervous about what will spill on the page when I write. You see, this being my first ever mommy-to-be Mother’s Day, I am feeling a whole lot different about what this day exists for and my inherent willingness to honor it. I am going to lay all of my cards on the table this Mother’s Day, so to speak. So, here it goes. Spirit guide my tongue and fingers please.

My mother is my Queen! Like, seriously! Any and everything I’ve ever learned that was worthwhile knowing, started with the seeds she planted in my earliest pots of soil. I love her so much, it hurts to think about it sometimes. For better or worse, all of her life’s actions helped me grow into the amazing woman I consider myself to be today. She loved into me the greatest of foundations and Godly amazingness. She always saw the best in me, even when she couldn’t see the best in herself. You may not understand the value of that, but that’s a deep gift. To be able to give one, that in which you are wholeheartedly unable to give yourself is a very special and honorable gift, only God Himself could bless one with.

Last year, I honored my mother with an open letter of love and gratitude, as that’s all I could afford in material and spiritual gifts. She cried when I read it to her. So, I think I did pretty good. This year, I’ve been lost on what I have to offer her. You see the struggle is that in this truth bearing stage I am in, I must honor not only what’s in my heart, but also what’s in my head. When it comes to my mom, I can be super protective. So protective, that I feel obliged to protect her even from the truth in my soul. I have always feared away from sharing too much truth my mom, in hopes of never being the one to bring her pain or disappointment.

In such, when I speak of my mother, I tend to only mention the good, the blessed and the heartfelt love. I always shy away from the ugly truths we share. Until now, I suppose. I’m not gonna spend this post going into the depths of the pain and even, destruction I’ve suffered by hands of my mother’s doing, as I’ll have time to do that later. Instead, I want to make room for me to be able to do that, without feeling like I am bringing harm her way. You see, my mother has been through so much in her life, it makes me cry every time I think about it.

In many spiritual truths and cultures, they say one is not given their parents by accident. That in fact, we, as spiritual infants on our path toward coming into the world, choose our parents. We may not choose our siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. But we do choose our parents. I personally subscribe to that belief. In fact, I am more than confident that I chose my mother and father. This past year has included a lot of reflecting for me, on why I chose them. In getting back into my spiritual existence, I have needed to rediscover the original assignment God gave me, before I came into the world. That assignment most definitely includes and in fact, starts with my parents.

In conclusion, I’ve figured out that I chose my mother because of her spiritual greatness, in combination with her human tragedy. From her earliest moments of life, the wicked one has been upon her. Working to destroy her greatness. Inherently though, her strength deemed her powerful enough to bring me into the world, showing just how resilient she truly is. In such, we’ve spent the last 26 years of my existence in the human world, from the womb to birth to adulthood, fortifying our resilience for God together.

Me and Momma About '94

I chose my mother because I am a protector and a savior and I wanted to protect and save her. Any human powerful enough to not only birth my light into the world, but also foster its continued greatness and growth, is more than worth my protection and saving. That’s where things get tricky, though. Because we’re spiritual beings having physical experiences, I had to learn and finesse the art of protecting and saving on a physical level. Spiritually, I can save anyone seeking to be saved, and often through great strength and determination, even those who don’t seek to be saved. Unfortunately, the same is not true for the physical world. Even more unfortunate perhaps, is that I just figured that part out in the last year.

So, as you might be able to imagine, I’ve spent all of my life working to do the exact opposite of what I am sent, purposed and more importantly, capable of doing. Now that I am on the track to getting it right, it hasn’t gone over so well or even smooth with my mother, to say the least. She hasn’t fully understood or trusted my intuition, and it’s created much more friction than I’d like to admit most days. My mother had been conditioned to a world of wickedness and perverted love, long before she met the essence of my spiritual existence. In such, most often, her go to response for the stress of her world, tends to be unGodly and unrighteous, to say the least.

Being the committed servant of God and protector of her spirit, that I am, I tend to get the worse of the blowback affects. Inherently, that fact in and of itself has led to much of the root causes for my need to rid myself of the f*cked up love I conditioned myself to for my entire life. It’s too deep to even pretend to cover here, so I won’t try. Moreover, my purpose here is the exact opposite. You see, if I could be so hurt and even, mutilated by the twisted love my mother’s physical shell has often only been capable of sharing, how could I still be so in love with her spirit? That’s what this post is about. It’s about honoring Mother’s Day in full truth and honesty.

My mother has been, up until this pregnancy, my greatest joy in the world. If you ever get the blessing of meeting her, you’d see why. She’s filled with love and pure Godly beauty. Something that is beyond a rare find in this often, dark and twisted world we live in. And to think, I’ve been blessed to not only know her, but also be raised by her. My mother’s greatness is not in her perfection, but in fact, in the very opposite. She’s loved, though she knows not how to love. She’s taught, though she knows not how to teach. She’s been a blessing, though she knows not how to be a blessing. She submits to God’s greatness despite all. She surrenders to His love and grace, despite all worldly attempts to guide her to do the very opposite. She’s absolutely amazing for all the best reasons!

That’s why I wanted to write this piece. To share the truth about her amazingness. You see, for years, I resented my mother more than anyone else, except my father. I was so angry with her for all of the hurt and pain I’d suffered by hands of her willful ignorance, blind eye and wicked ways. In fact, I went away to college absolutely convinced that I would never go home again. That I’d put as much distance between my mother and I, as possible. So she could never hurt me again. It was actually in college, that I learned just how much her presence in my life meant to me.

That’s where my greatest inner struggle began. How could I love my mother, and sometimes literally hate her, at the same time? How could I honor her greatness, while despise her wickedness? How was I ever to build a healthy and bountiful relationship with someone so conditioned to the exact opposite? You know that saying, ‘you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.’ Well, to say the least, I’d learned the fullness of its truth when confronting the battle of building something healthy with a person, who though, is so dear to me, is so damn unhealthy. Moreover, a person who didn’t appear in the slightest bit to want to be healthier. I cried so many nights, I couldn’t name them all if I tried. I couldn’t change her. I could only change me. But, the more I changed, the less room I saw for her in my new life of healthy love and light.

Momma NYE '14

This battle within, more often than not, got projected onto her. I’d get so damn angry with her. For simply being herself. I found the greatest struggle with accepting her for who she was. Because, she’s my mom, ya know. How could my mom be so damn wicked? And not want to be better? After time passed, those projections got passed onto the rest of my family. Particularly my aunts, who were her first teachers. I was even pissed with God for allowing life to do what it’d done to such an amazing woman! How dare he? In this one instance, He could have surely afforded a bit of Godly influence against the free will of humanity that too often gets tainted for the worse. Ugh! It’s tough, man. Real tough.

When I came back to NY to fix and rectify what was left of my broken and damaged past, my mother was of course at the top of the list. I’ll likely delve into the obstacles I faced since then, at a later date. Perhaps, via this blog. Perhaps, via my upcoming memoir/ book of poetry. Perhaps, via both. What I can say right now, is that I have been blessed to finally forgive my mother in entirety, for all of her mistakes and unGodly deeds against myself. So much so, that I even forgive her for the things she continues to do now, and will probably continue to do, until she reaches a point with God where she not only knows better, but is capable of doing better.

There’s this Bible scripture which speaks of God’s choice to call the least noble, the most foolish, the greatest “mistakes” of the world, to do His work and be His greatest examples of love. The idea God had and still has, is simple. If the world is consumed by wickedness and hate, why not use that powerful threat itself, to fortify His greatness. The world finds it so easy to adore and love those who’ve always been known or called to be “great.” Those adorned with majesty and wealth are the easiest to honor, as they are visually appealing.

But consider Moses for an instance. He was a slave, paired against the mighty and great, Pharaoh. Everyone was easily poised to honor Pharaoh, for he was aesthetically appealing to what we as humans, know to be great. Moses on the other hand, was not. The same is true for Jesus, vs. everyone. And the same was true for David, vs. Goliath, who was great and mighty in stature against David’s smallness.

If you know any Bible stories, you know who ultimately was the greater of the two rivalries. Yet, the confusion over greatness still persists today. The illusion of greatness, vs. the real and authentic reality of greatness. I am a perfect example of this. My life, coming from the gutter and grinding to the top, reflects this in every way. My mother too, reflects this. That’s how I know.

She was sent in the what some might see as the worse of forms of what a mother could be. She is poor in wealth. Poorly educated. On welfare most of our childhood. Lived in public housing all of my life. Unable to help me with my math homework past second or third grade, or guide me on filling out the FAFSA and college applications. She, by all intensive definitions, is negative as ever. She’s conditioned to the ‘hood conception of steel ceilings everywhere she looks. Thus, often posing as a great obstacle to my ‘no ceilings’ mentality. Yet, she’s always been my greatest tool for encouragement and motivation. My most profound source of love and fulfillment. At the same damn time. Now how can that be? Ahh, the wild world of duality!

Mom & Me Collage

For this Mother’s Day, I’d like to pay homage to the imperfection of motherhood. We are not and cannot be perfect. Moreover, we’re spiritual beings having a very physical experience, all the while being called to foster life and education for other spiritual beings having a physical experience. It literally does not get any harder or more complex than that. In such, instead of feeling compelled to honor only the good or perfect aspects of mothers, let’s honor the very opposite. Whether your mother left you at birth or forced you into prostitution, crime or simple wickedness all your life. Or your mother loved you to pieces all the while she could or was the most thoughtful and kind person you know. It’s all the same, in the end.

She did the most important thing needed, she brought you into the world. That doesn’t mean you can’t or should not be angry with her. Maybe even hate her. It simply means she’s a human, just like you. Thus, the most fair thing any of us could do is acknowledge one another’s humanness, even if to a fault. Most especially, our mothers. In midst of the grandness of technology and all, till this day, the very things everyone absolutely needs to create a life, is sperm, ovum and a uterus.

You can pay for sperm and ovum (also known as eggs). But the uterus, the very essence of a person’s womb, cannot be bought. It cannot be recreated. In such, you still need a person with a uterus to create life. That person may not be a mother, in some or any sense of what it means to be a mother. But they are a key aspect to the ability for humanity to continue itself. In my opinion, that’s what Mother’s Day is all about. It’s about honoring the Godly gift of the womb. If your mother, whether by birth or otherwise, dared to do anything more than share her gift of the womb with you, she is owed all the honor in the world. Despite her humanness.

Whether a person can carry children, give birth and/ or foster life after birth into another human, varies greatly. Yet, all of those are needed for the persistence of human existence. In such, whether all together or separately, we must honor those gifts. If it took one person to offer their ovum, another to carry and give birth to you, and yet, another to raise you, or even several others to raise you, you’re here! Thanks to the entire factory line of village members that helped you form and continue life. If you had to raise your own damn self, you still needed the first line of commanders to start the job, for you to be granted the ability to continue the business. Honor that!

Mother’s Day is for everyone! Because, in one way or another, we all have mothers. Even if we have had to be our own mothers at some, most or all times. There’s a mother out there deserving of your honor. I pray you can discover, acknowledge and honor that on this glorious day! With that, I’ll leave you all with that powerful Bible scripture I spoke of earlier. I pray that it might sit with you, for as long as needed. May it bless your mind with the necessary wisdom to understand and process the truth I aim to expose in this very long piece, haha! Happy Mother’s Day and  God bless!! Until next time, enjoy! A’se!

For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength. Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. (1 Corinthians 1: 25-29)