This post will likely be, the hardest I will ever have to write. So much so, it has been my greatest avoidance at doing so. Because once I do. Once I put this out into the world, officially. My reality becomes real. The tears I’ve been shedding. The pain I’ve been battling. The hurt I can’t escape. The sadness that has been swallowing my heart. The devastation and haunting sorrow that have been abusing my sleepless nights. Will all become real. All too real.
I know I need to write it down, though. The one thing, in midst of all I have been through in the last two years of my life, that has saved me, has been writing. Hands down. Through writing, I am most perceptible to my divine connection with God. It is my most profound form of prayer. More so, than my thoughts or own voice. The words I put to paper or screen, keep me securely in touch with my Father in Heaven, in ways that no man could ever disrupt.
So, that’s why I’m writing. I’ll say, it’s for you. It’s to keep you all in tune with me, and where I am. I’ll say that, because so many of my followers and fans, have been driving along this road called my life, for as long as you have, I owe it to you. I’ll say that, you all at least deserve to know what happened. I’ll say that, I’m writing now. Putting everything out there. So early on. To avoid too many, of what will now become those awkwardly painful conversations. Laying it all on the line, before wickedness attempts to take hold of my truth.
That’s what I’ll say. But I know the truth. God knows the truth. Perhaps, even many of you, especially the writers out there, know the truth. The truth is, this post, more so than any other post I’ve ever written in my life, is for me. It’s for God. It’s for my peace. My serenity. My chance to sleep again, at night. My chance, to heal my hurt. To wipe my wounds. To stroke my sorrow. To breathe again. Because, I need to breathe. I can’t stop breathing, again. I can’t go backwards, now. Not after, I’ve gotten so far. So, this one is for me. But I’ll say, it’s for you.
Bayyina is gone, y’all. My BaBa is gone. My beautiful brown baby doll, is gone. My butterbean. My life and joy. My everything. She’s gone. She didn’t make it safely, into the land of the living. I didn’t get to meet her. I didn’t get to touch her little toes. To kiss her tiny fingers. To smile at her beautiful face, until my cheeks hurt. I didn’t get to hold her. To make her feel the love, I hold so deeply in my soul, in the flesh. And she’s gone now. So, I’ll never be able to.
In short, I didn’t sustain my pregnancy long enough to foster her into life. I don’t have the strength. The will. The energy or desire, to explain more. I kind of wish I did. Because, perhaps it would open up more understanding to the parts of my current reality, I have yet to make sense of. But, I can’t. Not right now. I just can’t. I really, really can’t.
You know, I’d gotten to be proud of myself, for not crying tears, for the last 36 hours. That ended just now. Within the last two paragraphs. Which is fine. I gotta let it out. I just wish I didn’t. I just wish there were no need to. There’s so much, I truly want to write down. If not, to post on EverythingShaquana, then to at least, write for myself. For God. For Bayyina. But, it hurts too bad right now.
I’ve been smiling a lot more than most people would probably expect, or be able to muster themselves. I’ve been more joyful and full of life, than what people can probably understand. Because I know she wants me to be. I want to be angry. Withdrawn. Foolish with frustration, even. But Bayyina gave me so much joy. Her spirit gave me life! I can’t dishonor her, that way.
So, there’s so much more to say. So, much more to make sense of. But for now, I’ll just cry to myself. And smile to the world, genuinely. I’m not alone, because she’s right here with me in spirit. So, my tears are for her. For our bond. For our gained memories and lost time. For us. No one could get it. So, there’s no need to share that with them. At least, not right now.
And my smile, is for the world. For my strength, in spite of its evil. For my continued blessings, in spite of its destruction. For my love, despite its hatred. I’ll share my smile, my joy, my aliveness, with the world. And both will be true, indeed. Neither conflicting or contradictory of the other. Both, just being both. Both being, my EverythingShaquana-ness.
For now, I just wanted to say it out loud. To keep my wheels rolling. To make sure, I don’t slow down, on my mission to do good, in a world of bad. To honor all that Bayyina has instilled into her mommy. I have so much more to say. To feel. To understand. To comprehend and digest. To make peace with. And I’ll surely do it, through writing.
Until then, I’ll just leave it at this: I lost my child but I gained an angel. A’se!