I always thought that we had to be one thing, or the other. Happy OR sad. Angry OR glad. Good OR bad. My entire spiritual journey has ultimately been about unraveling the truth of oneness. The truth that to be one with you, you not only can, but must be balanced at being both this AND that. That the struggle of life comes from battling the physical lie, that one must choose between this OR that, as opposed to living within, this AND that.
I had the greatest birthday, I’ve ever had in my entire life. There are only two birthdays, before this year, that stood to rival this one. They’re now in the dust of the past, when it comes to greatness. I never knew what joy at the maximum level could feel like. What true unhindered, unfiltered, unabashed freedom could feel like. What LIFE could feel like. Until August 20, 2015. My 26th birthday. It was EVERYTHING!! For so many reasons, the physical couldn’t allow my spirit to divulge. It’s one of those things, that you either get it. Or you don’t.
Now, I spent the weekend living the fuck out of life. Every minute was soaked into the greatness of love and pure joy. And then Monday came. And, I was faced with the possibility of feeling forced, to go back to who and where I was before my birthday. Back to grieving Shaquana.
I don’t want to go back there. Yet, I don’t feel all the way comfortable here. In the land of joyful Shaquana. So, what’s a girl to do? Hunh? I refuse to feel stuck again. So, I must continue surrendering to the will of God, will full faith, it will lead me to where I need to be.
As I get closer, I am realizing that where I need to be, lies somewhere in the middle of where I thought that I needed to be. That I don’t have to be this OR that. Him OR her. Big OR small. Loud OR Quiet. Hurt OR happy. Grieving OR joyful.
In fact, I am supposed to be all of that, at once. That I am supposed to allow myself, within my human form, to just be. That I can feel joy, all the way down to the tips of my toes, while still being wrapped in sadness, all the way to the depth of my bones. That all of me, can coexist, all at once. Within my oneness. Similar to the message of that new cartoon movie, Inside Out.
Monday morning was a gloriously joyful morning. Monday night was a dreadfully sad night. And, both are okay. I am realizing that. For one thing, going through my painful teary nights, don’t feel as hopeless, as lost, or as alone, as they did in the beginning. They feel more like a healing ritual, than a dying ritual. Like a piece of my soul is being reborn and rebuilt, every time a tear drops from my eye. As opposed to, a piece of my soul dying and withering away, every time a whimper escapes my mouth.
Another thing is, I am allowed to dangerously shine my light of joy, with as much ferocity, as I wave my wand of hurt. I am still so heartbroken. As heartbroken, as I was when I first realized that my butterbean was gone. I still want her back, so so so badly. I miss her so much. I still dream of her skin color. Her eyes. Her cheekbones. Her smile. Her toes. Her cry. Her heartbeat. I still dream of her, as much as I ever did. I still love her, much more than I thought possible. And yet, she’s still gone.
That’s where the joy comes from. Because, God wanted me to stay here. Without her. For a reason. She is a part of me finding and fulfilling that reason. I feel so much joy that God would bless me with the ability to live on for Bayyina, in such a powerful way. It’s the reason my smile can’t be bothered, these days. I have a mission to complete. I have a purpose again. I’m still struggling with re-creating a clear vision of who I am and what I look like in the physical, without Bayyina. I’m not there yet. But finally. Finally. I am on my way.