It’s been 161 days, since I last wrote something/ posted something for my dear, EverythingShaquana family. In other words, that’s exactly 5 months and 8 days!! That’s a loooonnnggg time! Word!
 
As many of you may know and have read by now, over 6 months ago now, I suffered the greatest loss a person could suffer. The loss of my beautiful child, Bayyina- Mekhi Gardner. And after writing just enough to keep sane, I needed space to heal. Apparently, 5 months and 8 days, worth of space.
 
In any regard, here we are now. With me, finally finding one of what has now become, many Facebook statuses, worthy of sharing as the FIRST return post, on this here blog. This came from almost 6 months of statuses, that were rants and mantras about the essence of EverythingShaquana, quite simply. About pain. About hope. About survival. About getting through, the get through.
 
So, here it is. The words I’ve been waiting to write and share. Words and thoughts that, after so long and so much, I could deem worthy enough of being reposted on EverythingShaquana.com, before anything else. I hope they can offer you as much peace, as they have just offered me. A’se!
 
*P.S.* I’ll be back soon! I promise! No more, almost 6 months hiatus’! I promise!!

“No words! Just chills up my spine, hairs on my body standing everywhere and tears. This is more than about race. This about gender. It’s about being a woman, and not just any woman, but A BLACK WOMAN, with a voice, an opinion, and intellect (the worse of all)! No words, right now! No words!” 

– Facebook Comment about Melissa Harris-Perry article

I had so much to say about, what now seems like, nothing. I read that Melissa Harris-Perry article and I can’t think of anything else. What I had to say, somewhat hit on the significance of insignificant men, tryna put their evil on powerful women (whether we all know/ acknowledge it, or not). But it just doesn’t fit anymore.

I feel like, I’m talking to a wall right now. Like, Facebook, just isn’t cutting it anymore. Argh! I need new scenery. New people. New ideas. The folks in my peripheral ain’t never really been on my level, but right now, I’m feeling like ‘Horton Hears a Who,’ in all the worse ways! I need to upgrade myself in the physical. Because, what I’m feeling and thinking, is so not being reciprocated right now.
 
Folks just A’INT on my level and I’m beginning to feel like I’m wasting my time, space and energy in this world. That’s probably why I’ve secretly been avoiding writing on EverythingShaquana for so many months! It’s also why I’ve probably been so quick to hit the mute, pause or straight cut off button, for folks in my life (whether new or old, it’s all the same in the end). There’s nothing worse for a scholar or educator, than to feel like you’re talking to walls!
 
What’s the point in writing. In speaking. In knowing and thinking. If you’re the only who freaking gets IT! Like there’s all these ‘almost there’ “conscious” and “awakened” people on my Facebook, and close enough to my lifestyle to reach out to. But they’re soooooo far from where I am! And I don’t think they care. They’re too busy feeling bigger and better about themselves being above the bottom-feeders, to upgrade in the way the Universe is calling them to.
 
*Rolls eyes* I’m feeling disillusioned again! Like I’m going backward. And yet, it doesn’t feel bad or pointless. I think the direction I was moving in, wasn’t where I needed to or really even, WANTED to be. I woulda ended up stuck again. Like college. Like professional life in the nonprofit, education or political sector. Like churches and religiosity. Like fake “family.” Like everything I’ve worked so hard to break the chains of my existence FROM! I can not allow writing to become that!
 
Writing, speaking, thinking, being and living are my tools for freedom. For full, through and through, EXISTENCE. I don’t mind being in that space alone. As long as, I’m making a difference. A Godly and righteous difference. I don’t mean to project my frustrations with my lack of full clarity on where I need to go in my life, on the world around me. So, if I have done that to you, I apologize.
Ego vs Spirit
 
That doesn’t mean, you should hit me up anytime soon. Because if I put the wall up (or am about to put the wall up- which is the case for more folks, than who may realize), it was definitely for a GOOD reason. I just apologize for HOW I may have done it. As everything that MUST be done, must done with and in good purpose and action.
 
Anywho, I have some work to do with gender issues in this f’ed up society, where being a woman in a very blatantly, stupidly “pretend” male- run society, is the biggest elephant in the room. And has been, since before the times of Jesus & Caesar. My blog has always been about freeing myself from the chains of my past (and assumed future), BY most significantly, blasting and writing about the biggest elephants in the room.
 
Now that I’ve finally figured out and am willing to take on society’s greatest elephant, for what seems of all time, I need clarity. I know it’ll be through writing. And speaking. And being. But how? Where? When? With what? And whom? I need new. I need improved. And I need an upgrade. ASAP! Cuz I ain’t about to start making real money, after so long of being patient and working silently and ferociously, doing something that gets nowhere.
 
This has never been about the money. And never will be. I’ll leave the life of running on the wheel that never stops, for the hamsters. I have purpose. Great purpose. This is, always has been, and always will be, about purpose. Nothing more. Nothing less. As it has always been, everything else will come.
 
In the least, whether she realized it or not, Melissa Harris-Perry just gave me the exact awakening, I’ve been waiting for, for about 2 years! Seriously! All because she wrote. Spoke. And was. As, I intend to continue doing.
 
I guess, I really did need to go through the belly of the beast, to get here. To have the guts, grind and straight up “not give a f*uck,” to be ready for what’s next. Whatever that actually is. Cuz Lord knows, you don’t survive what I have, in JUST the past 2 years! Better yet, in JUST the past 6 months, to be intimidated by men’s foolishly fake egos, Satan’s allure of money, or losing insignificant relationships I never really had/ wanted.
 
I have all I need and want. Now, I just gotta figure out, what in the world to do with all this God-given, sexy Greatness! Lol. I had to make myself laugh, at least once, during this brain dump of emotions and questions. Anywho, grind time just took an ultimate turn. Let’s see where this goes, world! Let’s see!
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