It’s been a long while, since I last posted something for #OutspokenSunday, where I speak what’s on my mind, as is, no filters, no apologies, no second guesses. So, it’s only right that I jump right into the thick of it, and get straight to the matters of my heart.
As I mentioned last week, in my Welcome Back post of sorts, I’m a mom now! Yep! I have a beautiful, dynamic, outrageously brilliant and vibrantly delightful 2 1/2 month old baby girl, named Kamaria! Which by the way, means ‘Moonlight,’ as I consider her to be my moonlight out of the darkness.
Nonetheless, as you might have guessed of me by now, especially if you’ve been down with the EverythingShaquana movement for some time now, motherhood means, more mo’ riches, mo’ problems. As in, the more blessings God brings my way, the more Satan does to distract, steal and manipulate my joy of such blessings.
One of the first struggles I had to face a new mother to be, was being a VERY and quite unexpectedly, single mother to be! To be honest, that’s a story in and of itself. Which, over time, you can be sure to expect my indulgence in.
For today, for right now, I’m just honoring the calling of spirit to address what’s heavy on my heart in this very instant. That being, struggling with not harboring and/ or building unGodly emotions toward Kamaria’s father, or myself for that matter, over his absence.
In other words, how do I grow, move forward and bask in the current joy of this moment, whilst accepting my disappointment over what isn’t? What “should be?” What could’ve been? What never will be?
How do I not take the pain of this moment, the hurt of this moment, the confusion and misunderstanding of this moment, into my God willing- future moments, all the while, still holding onto the beauty, sheer joy and excitement and accomplishments of my NOW?
Well, to say the least, I wasn’t expected to acknowledge any of this emotions, questions or confusions today. Or maybe even, anytime soon. Buuuuttttt, if you’re blessed to know anything about God, the Universe or Spirit, you know that my feelings or expectations, have absolutely nothing to do with the reality of life as it is actually meant to be.
As such, it was only fitting that every corner of my Facebook timeline, was filled with deadbeat dad/ absent parent/ single mother blues type posts. I mean like, every corner. I was like, “what in the world are you tryna say Universe?” Haha!
I was feeling some type of way at first, no lie! But then, I humbled myself, got my ego out the way, and got still, listened.. and instantly knew. It was time. Time to acknowledge that which I’ve run from, since January 29th, to be exact!
Prompted by a Facebook friend’s telling status, I wrote a response that came directly from my heart. Then, prompted again by a sponsored article post, featured on my timeline, I reposted that original comment as a caption to my shared post of the article.
Then, Spirit spoke again. And I knew my next blog post, meant for today, needed to be that original comment. Soooo, here it is! Below, is a repost of that original comment, as is (no edits… etc).
I pray that, it may offer you just a portion of the guidance, peace and/ or clarity that I’ve struggled to gain since January 29th. A’se!
If I could add anything, I’d just say that the dilemma of the missing/ absent father, is a classic example of duality. When we become parents, we don’t stop being human. In fact, we become MORE human, by default. In such, ALL of our beautiful flaws as human beings become magnified on a scale, unlike any other in all humanity.
As a mother, the greatest heartbreak you may ever truly have to overcome, is the heartbreak of knowing you CHOSE a parent for your child that didn’t stand up in the shoes they willingly designed. It hurts more than anything I’ve ever known. Personally, it hurts more than the reality of my own father never being there for me as a child.
This was a man I truly thought I’d spend the rest of my life with. That isn’t the case for everyone, or every pregnancy, but in my current situation, I got duped on another level. And I refused to allow myself to admit it, until it was too late to process without the pain. I feel like my daughter isn’t even 3 months, and I failed her already.
Because the man I fell in Love with, truly IS an honorable man (unlike who he is/ chooses to be now) and she has a right to know the Love and beauty of that man. And my decisions screwed that up for her. Or so I FEEL right now. But I KNOW that isn’t true, it’s just how I feel. At the same time, her father is human too. And his absence, most especially because it’s a willing choice, highlights that even more!
I struggle daily with thoughts of everything mean under the sun against him. Because he not only broke her little heart when he disappeared on us, but mine also. I struggle with dealing with my pain, without passing it on to my daughter. Because whatever hurt, pain or disappointment she may grow up with, is her own, and shouldn’t be passed on from me.
She’s a child and deserves the right to develop her own emotions, as opposed to be forced fed mine. But I’m human. As are all single mothers. I think the key is remembering the significance and power of forgiveness, acceptance and the true understanding of duality. Good and evil. Truth and lie. Light and dark.
We are who are in THIS moment. And that truly has no weight on who we were in the last moment nor who we can become in the next moment. So, just allow yourself to be. Allow that man to be. And make room for growth. Build an image of a person at peace with themselves and their lives, for the best example for your child, and leave room for yourself to progress into that image.
Holding onto pain and resentment and judgement, is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Don’t let the wicked one, get a foothold in your life by harboring negativity, no matter what the reason. And if you do, forgive yourself and do your best to let go of it.
Life is TOO short. No day is guaranteed for you, your child or their other parent. Live in the beauty of now. Accept what’s in your control and focus on that. Everything else is just a distraction from your joy.