The other day, I was standing near the corner of 23rd and 2nd, after just getting off the bus, because Kammy was having a fit over the bad energy suffocating the bus. So, after moving from blocking the middle of the street, I’m struggling to get her stroller open, while holding a shopping bag in hand and her strapped to me, in her carrier.
Out of nowhere, this White woman appears, asking me, “is that a hat or hair?” As I’m still tugging at the stroller, I glance up to see where this voice and random question are coming from. I see her, realize she’s walking toward us, but clearly not interested in helping me, and quickly mentally dismiss her.
I go back to paying attention to my current stroller situation, and nonchalantly respond back, “well, it’s kinda both. It’s a bow and her hair.” To which she responds, “wow, she has a lot of hair!” I then sharply respond, as she’s now all up on us and not helping me at all, “yea, she was born with a lot of hair.”
My eyes go back down to the stroller, that I’m just getting together, and do you know what this woman does?! She touches my baby’s hair! Did you hear me?! She fucking took her wayward ass, wrinkly White wrinkly, and touched my child’s head!!
Kamaria goes HAM! She was just calming down, from me getting off the bus full of White people with negative ass energy, for this crazy ass woman to put her negative ass energy- having hand, on my beautiful child’s blessed head!
Between my being caught off guard, half still focused on the stroller and bag, in complete shock that this fucking woman’s crusty ass hand, is actually touching my beautiful brown baby doll’s head, and beyond exhausted from a very looooong day, of dumb New Yorkers and a short-tempered infant; this woman’s life was saved! She indeed had an angel, watching over her foolish ass.
Because my God! I would’ve really hurt that lady! If not physically, definitely verbally! What in your froggy ass mind, would make you touch my little, infant child’s head?! And you could TELL, that this woman had all types of bad juju on her ass.
So, what in the world would make this crazy ass woman, comfortable enough to reach over into a baby carrier, attached to the body of a woman she doesn’t know from a hole in the wall?? To confidently touch an infant she has no fucking permission to touch?? To do so, on a corner in the middle of a city populated, pretty much by 8 million+ perfect strangers?!
White fucking privilege! That’s what!
“You may be asking, how does a random White woman in the middle of Gramercy, Manhattan, egregiously touching my beautiful and pure, two month old’s head, lead to my declaration of a, ‘White people hiatus’?”
Now, in this current racial climate, I’m very considerate, so to speak, of what I say about White, or Black people. Because I’m cautious of falsely being associated with fads or displaced anger. In any regard, I’m done hiding behind this lens of bullshit, I’ve been straddling against.
So, here it is, loud and proud: I’m taking a vacation from White people! The same way, I took a vacation from male privilege and chauvinism, I am taking a vacation from White privilege and social irresponsibility.
I believe in the Spirit of the being. As such, there are tons of people who identify as White, that I fuck with till the end. That’s because I see and interact with their spirit; not their flesh. But then, there are the rest of White people. The majority of White people… who live in the flesh, and thus, embody Whiteness in its most concentrated form of being.
I can’t deal with those White folks, anymore! I’m done! Seriously! I would retire entirely from White people, but I have hope for the direction the world is going in, and/ or in my growing tolerance of bullshit “ignorance” and dangerously inhumane social irresponsibility. So, in time, I believe I’ll be able to deal with White privilege and Whiteness, without becoming violently nauseated. But for now, I need a break. My stomach literally can’t take anymore.
You may be asking, how does a random White woman in the middle of Gramercy, Manhattan, egregiously touching my beautiful and pure, two month old’s head, lead to my declaration of a, ‘White people hiatus’? Sadly for you, I consider the fact that someone could read what I just wrote, and not immediately see the correlation, as a huge part of the problem with the epidemic of White privilege, that’s devouring our society right now.
All I can say is, there is no fucking mistake that of all the people who have commented on Kammy’s thick, curly locs, since she’s been home from the hospital, no one has dared to touch my child’s head. Nor is there a mistake that, the person to daringly decide to be the very first, is some random ass White woman, on the corner of 23rd and 2nd!
From White doctors, to White ACS and HRA workers, to White cops and ADA’s, to White social workers and nonprofit employees… the stares, the questions, the confusion, the ego driven cognitive dissonance, it’s all the same… all the time… every single time. And I’m just fucking tired.
“At the same time, that doesn’t leave my humanity at the whim of people, who clearly have no stake in recognizing said humanity, nor acknowledging their refusal of such recognition.”
I can no longer pretend that I don’t see, what I’ve seen since Kamaria was born. She doesn’t like White people. Straight and simple. Like me, all who walk and live in Spirit, are well received by her. But, when I speak of skin color, I’m not speaking of spirits, but rather, those who walk in the flesh. In any regard, Kamaria don’t like them. And I don’t blame her. Because I don’t, either.
Anyone who willingly asserts their right to humanistic qualities and treatment, above another person’s right, because of flesh like features, is a total dick head. And I want nothing to do with them. I’m not going to explain it, any deeper than that.
Because I’ve realized, after sooooo many unsuccessful attempts at trying to make it work, that White people who bask in the human glory of White privilege, refuse to revoke that privilege for the sake of humanity; I’m no longer interested in trying. At least, not before I develop more patience for them, and a better strategy for tackling the beating it puts on my spirit.
At the same time, that doesn’t leave my humanity at the whim of people, who clearly have no stake in recognizing said humanity, nor acknowledging their refusal of such recognition. This is a matter of my lacking spiritual, mental and emotional self care. I have a responsibility to myself and my child, to protect us from the rising dangers of White privilege. Especially for poor, Black, women/ mothers, with a mind and a motive.
So yea, as a self-employed writer/ budding entrepreneur, I’m using my little bit of privilege and agency, to take a fucking vacation from as much Whiteness and White people, as humanly possible in this city. Until I feel, that I’m healed from the shit that White people and systems of racial oppression, that blatantly benefit White people, have done to my family and I.
This means, changing health care professionals, non-profit organizations, local clinics, libraries, coffee shops, parks, etc. I need to be around as few White people as possible, for at least a year or two. I need Black doctors, lawyers, teachers, business owners, community leaders and volunteers, health care professionals, etc.
I need a sense of cultural awareness, responsibility and LOVE, that I am confident to say, White people and Whiteness can’t give me. My soul needs a rejuvenation, and I can’t get it surrounded around Whiteness everywhere, any longer. It’s bad enough, that I can’t instantly overhaul my internet, television, radio, and other media over-saturation of ignorant Whiteness.
“And as such, I’ve been forced to accept, owning my Blackness upsets and offends, Whiteness.”
I can at least take charge, in making me feel better about who I share my time with, on any given day. And, if I am dealing with people who live in the flesh, then race (just like gender and class), must be taken into account for how much of my time, their inherent ignorance and foolishness is worth, if any.
I don’t care what anyone else feels about it. I’m taking my spirit back, unapologetically. And I’m honoring the spirit of what my Blackness means to me. And as such, I’ve been forced to accept, that owning my Blackness inherently, upsets and offends Whiteness.
So, if my coming vacation offends you, oh well! Because if you truly have that strong of feelings, about who I spend my time with, you and I likely wouldn’t get along anyway.
It doesn’t go without saying that, this vacation also includes just as much-needed time away from, Black and other people of color who embody, perpetuate and/ or defend Whiteness.
If you’re spewing that self-hatred, “why are you sooo ‘Black’ about everything, Shaquana?” crap… Or that, “maybe, you should practice better respectability politics, so you’ll get better responses from ‘people’?” foolishness… It’s safe to say, that we definitely have nothing to offer one another.
Not explaining that decision, either. You either get it, or you don’t. Feel how you want. I’ve long since, retired from explaining myself. Now, it’s time to truly and fully, show myself! And so, my vacation from White people and Whiteness starts now! A’se!