October is also, Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month. I’ve wanted to honor it. Pay tribute to my passed on babies. Speak on the pain in my heart. All month. But I haven’t been able to. As I write right now, the tear are so large, they can’t find their way out of my tear ducts. 

I need to speak on this, so badly it hurts. I miss my babies. Each and every one of them. But most especially, my Butterbean. My Bayyina- Mekhi. Does that make me horrible? For missing her more heavily, so to speak? I just miss her so badly. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her. I miss her.

I could say it over and over again, and it wouldn’t be enough times. 

How am I supposed to heal? To make sense of losing her? To make sense of losing three of my babies? How am I supposed to do that and honor the life of my very living baby girl? At the same damn time? How?

Literally, as I am writing this post, Kamaria is screaming her head off! Likely, because the pain and immense sorrow that writing this piece takes out of/ puts into me, doesn’t allow me to give her the very real attention that newborns require. And that only makes me feel more guilty!

So, when will I ever heal my hurt? My regret? My guilt? My pain? My anger? When will I finally be free to just Love my passed on baby girl, without hating myself for her not being here?? When will I be able to hold Kamaria and laugh with her, without wishing her big sister was here to enjoy these moments with us?? 

Like, I just don’t get it! God, I don’t get it! Why would you take my baby girl away and not give me time to heal, before giving me another precious baby??

Maybe because I wouldn’t be alive today, if not for Kamaria. But I feel like I’m torn. Between being Kammy’s live mommy and BaBa’s spirit mommy. And I don’t understand. I don’t know how to deal. 

Can I tell you the truth?? No matter how many people tell me that I am great mom… And no matter how much Kamaria looks at me with the most Loving eyes I ever knew possible… I’ll always feel like I need to make up for my lost babies?

No matter how logical it is for me to know that my attachment to BaBa is deeper than my other unnamed babies, because I felt her kick and move inside of me… I’ll never forgive myself for saying her name, without ever giving them a name. 

Bayyina Collage
Copyright, EverythingShaquana 2015

It all just hurts so bad. And no amount of logic or rational can fix it. It doesn’t make the pain go away. And Kamaria keeps trying to Love healing into me… But I think I’m too broken.

And I don’t tell anyone. Because BaBa was my special girl. I can’t share her with anyone. I don’t know how to explain it all. It’s just too much. Too deep. Too everything. So, I keep it locked in.

But, I have to let it out. For Kamaria. For Bayyina’s memory. For the other two babies, who never got a name. I need them to rest in peace. So, we can live in peace. 

I’m sorry Bayyina! Mommy is so, so, so, so, sooooooooooo sorry, Butterbean! I’m sorry!!!! Please, forgive me! I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t ready. And I know that it wasn’t your time, to live yet. Or maybe ever. I KNOW! But it doesn’t make the sorrow go away. Or the regret. Or the pain.

I just wish I could’ve honored you better, while you were here. I’m so sorry. And I keep trying to make it up to you. And I thought that I did. But as I’m writing right now, I don’t think I feel like I did! I’m just so sorry.

I’m sorry to my babies, that never got a name. One day, when I’m stronger, I’m gonna name you both. Because you deserve it. 

If I could tell you anything right now, please know this: I couldn’t be the mother I am right now, if it weren’t for you all. Kamaria wouldn’t be here today. She wouldn’t have the mother she has today. If it weren’t for you all. Thank you and I’m sorry.

That’s all I have the strength to write right now. If for no other reason, than because I must respond to and ease Kamaria’s very real and living, cries for her very real and live, momma. 

To highlight just a hint more of the ache that’s in my heart, I’ll copy and paste some Facebook statuses that I wrote, not long after losing BaBa, below.

I Love you Butterbean! And Kammy and I will always honor that Love and life that was you and your siblings! Sleep in peace my beautiful Angels! A’se!

**Just for the record** This piece is unedited. Just like me. A’se!

Thoughts & BaBa Cartoon- P.S. 7-14-15
Copyright, EverythingShaquana 2015

August 3, 2016: To My First True Love: You’ll always be alive and well, in my heart and soul! Sleep well, my Princess Bayyina!! Mommy loves you to life and beyond !!

August 10, 2016: “You’ll get through it. That’s what they say. But, what does that mean? You’ll get through it… Grief is like a suitcase at the end of your bed. Everyday you wake up, you have to pick it up and carry it with you… Some days it’s like it’s filled with rocks. It’s so heavy, you don’t think you can hold it up. Other days, it’s like it’s light as a feather… That’s getting through it.” -The Whispers (Television Show)

September 24, 2016: The other day, my mom said she heard Bayyina’s name on the TV. My heart did jumping jacks!! My baby still speaks to me, through the universe!! She still loves her momma, just as much as her momma loves her back!!#TeamBayyinaAndShaquanaForever

September 24, 2016: Since I lost my BaBa, I’ve been working diligently to find and maintain positive and progressive projects in my life, to keep me focused when feeling down or destructive. My most recent one has been fake renovating my room. As I put work into redesigning it, I am realizing the power of not only creation but more importantly, maintenance of one’s creation.

I think growing up in the hood, you see a lot of people that want better and sometimes even do things to create better. But life often makes us weary and forgetful, so when people get hit with the storms of this world, they lose sight of the big picture.

Forget why they created what they created, or why it’s worth keeping. I.e. putting all this work into redesigning your home/ apartment, only to watch it go into disarray because you didn’t maintain it. One of the most powerful things you can do during a storm, is to keep your sh*t together.

Maintenance is more important than creation, because it shows you can remember your blessings and hone them, even when the world throws storms your way. We all lose our way, Lord knows I did. But when you get back on that ship, make sure you never get lost again.#ShaqFactz #EverythingShaquana #Revelizations

September 25, 2016:

After watching last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I must get this off my heart. The loss of one’s child, is a loss like no other. To automatically assume a future of more laughs, hugs and kisses with your child. To assume more love, joy and excitement shared with your child. To assume more. Is a tragic mistake.

Though, it is a worldly conception that one’s parent should leave the world before their child, it is only that. A conception. Not truth. Truth is that, there is no rhyme or rhythm, in a worldly sense, to how it is determined when or why children must enter or leave this world. It just is.

If you choose to spend your days, weeks and months falsely dictating how, what or in which way your child will live their life, under the assumption they will have a life to live… Rather than, effortlessly and tenaciously, working to be the best version of yourself, so as to love into them the joy, excitement, hugs, kisses and laughs, you assume you have more time to give… You’ve already failed as a parent.

Let go of this physical connection to your children and fall in love with their spirit, no matter what form it takes in the physical. I loved my unborn more profoundly than most parents learn to love their grown children. In such, most parents lose their children long before they leave this earth. Be radical. Start a revolution. Just by loving the God, the Truth, the Spirit into your children. Despite. #ThatIsAll #ShaqFactz #EverythingShaquana#Revelizations