So, my mom set me up (had me thinking I was watching a Home Alone- esque movie)… And had me watch this God forsaken, “take the joy out Xmas and then some,” movie called Krampus 😳😖😯😱😧👻!
To say the least, I’m still scarred (this was around Halloween)… But being the believer in “everything happens for a reason,” that I am… I recognized why I was purposed to watch that movie. I’ve lost the “holiday spirit,” or whatever 🙄🙄🙄… And it’s been gone for some time now!
It was gone long before, I actually stopped ascribing to recognition of the Western commodification of family time. In any regard, I don’t want Krampus to come get my loved ones and I!
Especially my Beautiful Brown Baby Doll 😳😧😱😭! Soooo… I think the Universe is telling me to overhaul my Grinch like personality for the coming “holiday season.”
For instance, finding the wherewithal to write that phrase without putting quotes around it… Which is hard! Because I’m even other cynical than I was in high school (if you knew me in high school, you know that’s some other level of cynicism, then)!
So, how am I do get into a spirit I don’t believe in anymore, for a season that I believe is illusionary, to share my Love of people that I truly don’t like on most days?? Hmmm 🤔🤔🤔??? Confusing, indeed!
I know for sure though, after writing this, that something got unaligned in me, along this journey. And nothing fun or beautiful that I receive, shared with other people (whether I like them or not), will BE fun or beautiful, until I get it back on track…
So, I suppose that’s what I gotta do 😏🙄😖… As, I’m now realizing, that I, myself may actually be a part of the problem 😏😏… Yay! Sounds like SOOO much fun! Lol 🙄😏🤔😌😌😌!
I think, it all comes down to my lacking appreciation of the family I was born into. My constant healing over the abuse I’ve allowed myself to suffer at the hands of them. And my inability (though, temporary) to believe they’re worth reinvesting myself into. Especially soooo soon!
I think the holidays represent joy, Love, thanksgiving, appreciation and so forth, with the people you cherish the most. It just so happens that, most of the people I cherish the most are not blood related to me, and live in another state/ city/ country.
So, I can easily deduce that this means I need to focus on who and what’s around me, right now. And as you might be able to surmise by now, I don’t fucking want to!! I’m awesome at forgiving, and yet, quite terrible at forgetting.
As long as I remember what I felt like, every single time my worth, honor and downright personhood was violated, disrespected and trampled on by these people, my stomach will continue to turn! And how’s a gal gonna enjoy the so- called “holiday spirit,” with people whoseactions make her stomach turn??
The first word that comes to mind, as I write this is, “judgement.” Ugh! I know what that means… As, I am amazing as being empathetic and non-judgmental, until you do something to me! Then you might as well be, the spawn of Satan, itself! I’m just saying.
In all, after writing this, I think I got the message, Universe! So, the question is, what to do now?? Or better yet, how to do it??
**BTW** Yes! I know! The way my brain makes connection is something cray! I’ve long since accepted it, haha!! You’re welcome to, as well! A’se!