So, I’ve recently started re-engaging with my WordPress community, a lot more! As result, I have a ton of new followers and connections whom have recently JOINED the EverythingShaquana Movement. So, before I get into the INTO, I must first say HEY Y’ALL! What it do boos? What’s cracking lacking, five??
Haha!! J/k, j/k! Don’t shoot me gangstas ;-)! Nah, but real talk, WELCOME all!! It is my greatest honor to share the depths of my ME, with anyone and everyone who is open to building with me, as I rediscover my throne.
With that being said, let me jump right into it. I had a new follower comment on a recent quote, saying in short, “I can Google quotes if I want to hear other people’s voices, Shaquana. I want to hear YOU!” I won’t tag them, as I don’t know them well enough to know if they’d feel comfortable with that. Nonetheless, I must freely acknowledge just how much that comment resonated with my soul. It’s crazy, man!
This comment, coupled with the fact that I also haven’t had the time to respond to any comments posted on my blog since my return, is humbling, to say the least. I’ve been posting stuff that allows me to inch back into this blogging world, without having to go deep enough to share my ME.
But it’s been killing my soul! And then some! I mean, yikes, right?! Because, I need y’all to know that I hear you, I see you and more importantly, what being apart of the EverythingShaquana family feels like!
In order to get it all done, I must leave some things behind, if only temporarily.
It breaks my heart to have so many people showing me such authentic Love and support, and not be able to reach back out directly to say, I see you fam! And I’m all the way there with you! But, truth be told, I just don’t have the time yet.
In order to get it all done, I must leave some things behind, if only temporarily. I must balance what is a priority, with what is a very strong desire, and when all else fails, accept that something has to give. So, fortunately for me, I can at least like comments on WordPress, to hopefully let people know, that I saw your comment and appreciate it.
Still though, it amazes me profoundly, how much of myself that I’ve been able to bring back to EverythingShaquana in the past few months, in midst of being a very new and very single mom in the physical! I’m doing it all on my own, with virtually no help, and a hell of a lot of hate/ attempted hindering! So, it’s bewildering to even me, to say the least!
In any regard, in response to that person’s comment about wanting to hear from ME, I submit. Haha! The Universe has a very funny way of calling one to do those things in their heart, that their mind often convinces them to ignore.
It hurts so bad and yet, so good, at the same time.
I say that to say, today is the one year anniversary of me confirming what I already knew; that I was carrying my sixth pregnancy! And moreover, that for the first time since I was that eighteen year old girl, voluntarily laying on a table, awaiting a stranger’s hands to rip the potential life of my unborn from my womb; that this unborn would keep!
And my God! Did she?! Throughout my pregnancy, no matter how hard man and mortals tried to steal my baby’s life, she kept! And since she was born, no matter how much they have tried to steal her life and/ or her freedom to live and love, she has kept! Because God! Because Spirit! Because Truth! Because reality!
Can you believe that one year ago today, at this very moment, I was getting dressed, preparing to walk to the clinic across the Bridge (because I didn’t have train fare… Haha!), to go confirm what God had already told me?! I mean, this is less than 6 months after my Butterbean went home to God, before meeting me in the flesh. So, to say the least, shock is an understatement for what I felt when it was confirmed that what I knew, I knew!
I can tell you, as I write right now, that I’m not there yet. With my healing. With my hurting. With my confusion. Or truthfully, even with my gratitude. I teeter on the line between profound gratitude and profound anger with God, when I think of my Beautiful Brown Baby Doll, Bayyina-Mekhi, not being here physically.
All while, Loving the fudge out of my Beautiful Brown Baby Doll, Kamaria, who is physically HERE, in every way possible. If that makes sense. And I don’t know how to say it all out loud. Not even to myself, let alone the world. It hurts so bad and yet, so good, at the same time. Does that even make sense??
I can say this as of right now, I’m finally ready to heal over saying goodbye to my Butterbean, so soon. I’m ready to let her go home to God, fully and wholly in peace. I’m ready to let go and stop holding on to what she could’ve physically been, but won’t ever be.
I’m ready to let her heal her momma, in the ways she couldn’t do in the physical world. I’m ready to accept that God knows what we can’t always see or allow ourselves to admit. I’m ready to forgive myself and the world, and move on! I’m ready!
It’s kinda funny how I so suddenly arrived to this place. In addition to the comment I got from that blessed soul who said what I needed to hear, I also ran into a neighbor recently. Her daughter just passed on a few months back, leaving behind her adolescent daughter and college aged son.
This came as a blow to everyone, as she was so young and seemingly in good health, both physically and spiritually. As such, my heart has been bleeding for her babies that she left behind, and her mother, left to Love into them, what their mother’s physical can no longer do. So, being the “medium” that I am, every time I see her mom, I transfer as much of her energy and even words, as I can, so she can feel her daughter’s spirit.
Well anyway, when I saw her the other day, I asked her if she believed in God and spirits. She replied, “of course!” To which, I reminded her that her daughter’s spirit still lives on and that God called her home, to do the work in the spiritual, that she just couldn’t get done in the physical. Because the present world.
I’m ready to accept that God knows what we can’t always see or allow ourselves to admit.
I told her to mourn and grieve as she much as she needed, but in time, when God calls her to, to let her daughter do her job. Let her heal her and the children, in the ways she couldn’t do while here on earth. Let her sacrifice be worth it, and not be in vain. She started tearing up and without words, her spirit told me she would oblige with her daughter’s earnest request.
It was during that night, as I lay in bed, that Bayyina-Mekhi came to me. And she said in short, “momma, remember what you said to that woman on the elevator? Well, you know you were also talking to yourself… Please let me do my job momma… PLEASE, let me heal you?!” I started bawling. What do I say to that?
My heart instantly filled with guilt, because I realized/ finally admitted that I’ve blocked her from healing me for almost a year and a half now. Mommy is sooo sorry, Butterbean! But I know she already knows that. And she’s past that. She just needs me to let it all go, and get to work now. So, here I am. Writing to you all. Starting somewhere. Somehow.
I think, I needed to write this post for a ton of a reasons. But the most pronounced reason is, I needed to write to Bayyina in front of the world, to show her that I was truly and wholeheartedly, ready to start.
In short, that’s me telling you all, that while I am beyond ready to start talking about anything and everything around me, I need to start within. Again. In such, I’ve decided to go reclaim the pieces of EverythingShaquana, that I might’ve forgotten. Particularly, I am referring to the posts and articles I’ve shared over the past three years, that need to be revisited.
But, I think people need a chance to catch up with my ME, as much as I need a chance to catch up with my ME.
As I’ve begun to discover new blogs and bloggers, and they’ve reciprocated by discovering EverythingShaquana, I have been blessed with the pleasure of seeing people like and comment on posts I haven’t read since I first wrote them. And it’s humbling as fuck! Thus, this is how we gon’ do this together, ya!
I’m going to spend the next few weeks, if not even months, re-blogging old posts that will help me remember how to heal, and help you all, discover where I came from, to understand better, how I got to and why I am, where I currently am. I’ll write new stuff, as Spirit calls me to. But, I think people need a chance to catch up with my ME, as much as I need a chance to catch up with my ME. If that makes sense :-)!
So, here we go. Again. Let’s travel together, into the realm of Shaquana, Quana, Shaq or something like that. And God willing, may we all heal together. As one. A’se!