A huge part of my transformation back into Self, and my return to my Queendom, includes remembering who I Am. It demands for me to return to parts of my past, to reclaim pieces of myself that I once lost.

It compels me to own who I am enough, to unapologetically take back what’s mine, with the grace and effortlessness of the Goddess in me.

As such, I’m gonna start the year off reminding you all, newcomers and old-timers alike, of where EverythingShaquana began. And so, here’s my third ever postwritten over three years ago. May my year to come, upon God’s Great will, bring to fruition the seeds I planted and harvested, so long ago. A’se!

No greater burden Meme

“I have to write. Because if I don’t, I will burst. Inside and out. I will certainly implode and explode simultaneously. My brain will instantly become mush. My thoughts ceasing to exist. My spirit refusing to permeate.” 

Shaquana Gardner

Written stream of conscious, these excerpts are from my new attempt at a daily journal… This is the feeling I need! Every day of my life! I can’t explain it! This sitting and writing feeling. The feeling like I can stop the world, my world, suspend it temporarily, to get the things I feel, believe and think off of my chest, out of my head, and onto paper/ computer.

No one seems to really like, embrace, understand, and/ or know how to handle the magnificent magic and power of my soul… I find that if I write down my feelings, I am able to validate them. Acknowledge their existence. Embrace them. And move past, over or through them.

I can feel heart-break, embrace it, hold on and even coddle it. I can be destroyed inside, devastated and demolished into pieces, and survive it. Writing can serve as the glue and tentacles needed to repiece all of my broken pieces. I have the tools. Oh Lord, duh! I have the tools!

“The writer must write what he has to say, not speak it.” 

Ernest Hemingway, ‘Banquet Speech’

The devil has made me scared to use them! Convinced even, that they do not work. But these are the most important, most innate, intangible, one of a kind tools God gave me. The tools of writing and speaking. I have lost my way, in such that, I misused and misunderstood the abilities and purposes of my tools.

For one thing, I definitely began shadowing ability to write with my ability to speak. That in and of itself may have been one of the biggest and maybe even most necessary, mistakes I have made. To think, my tongue, the most dangerous and difficult thing inside of me to tame, was the thing I thought God gave me to change the world. My tongue!

No, you see, first and foremost God gave me a very special, unique type of heart and soul, to be my first and last defense of the purity and goodness in my soul. And that goodness was meant to be shared with the world. First, through writing and then, through speaking.

Writing allows for the definite, unobstructed, unfiltered, and unhampered translation of the heart and soul’s language. And as long as my heart and soul remain righteous and pure, my writing will reflect such, fortifying my ability to ensure that my spoken word reflects the same.

“The good news is that when you have something to do, life will not allow you to move forward until you do it. The bad news is the same.” 

Iyanla VanzantPeace From Broken Pieces’

Spoken word, in its literal form, is different from written word. Our tongue is not always or sometimes at all, directly connected to our heart and soul. I feel like the most significant channel connecting our tongue/ our mouth to the feelings and processes of our body is the mind.

The mind is a wonderful thing. A beautiful, delicate, powerful extension of a person. The mind, however, is also the least connected thing to our spirit, soul, and line to God, the universe, or chance (whichever, if any, you rely on for sustenance). 

Our mind is the easiest tool to manipulate. And because our tongue is directly connected to our mind, it is the most lethal and dangerous tool, as once the mind is manipulated, the tongue becomes a powerful and untamable object of expression and pathway from inside oneself to the world, one way or another.

So, I must write. I must write first and foremost. I must utilize my most powerful, intangible, precious tool, my soul vis-a-vis, my writing, to save myself first and then the world.  

“My mind runs, I can never catch it. Even if I got a head start.”

– Kid Cudi, Save My Soul’

There literally are over one hundred things running through my heart and mind and as I began writing, more and more things race to my mind, aching, dying, compulsively and unapologetically seeking an entry way out of me, out of this body, and into the world, through whatever medium necessary, possible. And then I start getting scared again.

You know that I even struggle to complete timed free-writes now?! I am scared to write! I have gotten so conditioned to holding it in. Holding in the most important stuff. Holding back the most damaging pain. Never letting go of the most significant losses.

And it has now, finally, threatened to destroy me, if I do not get it out. And I find, or look for, excuses, explanations, reasons, and B.S. to delay, postpone, and put off the growing, undying necessity to get it out! But today, if it is in God’s will, marks the end of that.

Effectively. I want to feel this free, this open, this able to move on, get through and survive every single day. And writing would let me do that! It is only thing that can give me the peace I am looking for through God. God has already blessed me with the conduit to peace, I just have to follow it. Abide by it. Protect and honor it. And peace, by the grace of God, it will be mine.

“Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid. Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.”

– Matthew 5: 14- 16, KJV

**Originally Publish: November 20, 2013

**Republished: January 16, 2015