I have come a long way in my lifetime. Looking back from where I have been, to where I am now, to where I plan to be one day, brings so much clarity on all that I have gained in this world filled with far too many losses.

This poem, “Against The Odds”, was written following my first year of college at Syracuse University. Reading it now, in many ways I struggle to understand where I was coming from and what motivated me when I wrote this poem originally. Though, the sentiment of the poem exactly mirrors my current view of my duty to face the odds, the words reflect a completely different person.

The anger, frustration and disappointment reflect the nature of a young woman still seeking to please the world and most particularly, her family, mother and especially, her father. The resentment centered chip on her shoulder screams in every word of the poem. A poem of a young woman turned misanthrope, recluse, cynic, and a skeptic of all things grand and beautiful.

And yet, she still got it. Even back then, when she was still angry, tired and pissed the hell off. She understood that there were many who struggled with wanting to see her successful. And that, she was the only one who could make it happen, with or without the help of others.

As I reminisce on the days following my first year away from home, and I recall the feeling of resentment and legitimate hatred from people I expected to be a support to me, it comes back to me. My very early understanding and acknowledgement of the fact that more often than not, the people I expect to support me in the biggest feats of my life, are those that discourage me the most.

I didn’t realize how large the calamity of hatred and systematic opposition I would face, would be, when I first wrote this poem back in Summer 2008. But I do now. As much as I was speaking for the moment back then, I was also speaking for every moment that was to come.  The moment I live in right now.

And yet, I am no longer the young woman who wrote this poem. I am no longer the author of such hateful, dark and even twisted words and beliefs. I no longer need to attack or detest the one that hates me or struggles to show me love. I have nothing but love, appreciation and joy to share with that person.

I love you all. All of the naysayers, the doubters, the unbelievers, the haters, the straight up discounting, truth dodging, ‘wedon’tcarewhatyoudoyou’llalwaysbenothingtome’ dedicated fans, who may never see anything good in me.

Whether you accept me or not, approve of me or not or pose as an obstacle on my path to God’s glory, I love you regardless and truthfully, I always will. Thank you for all of the love, even if you could only show it through hate.


Against The Odds

I tried so hard and cried so hard-fought to the death

And never allowed any rest

And finally I have reached a place

Where I believe I deserve a break in the bind, a revolution in design.

You see I’ve been kicked and punched,

Slapped and fucked

And never once picked up

So over and over

I built my own self back up

With the help of no one,

Many times my strength and spirit undone

I never asked for help

Because I never could,

Never expected sympathy

Because I knew no one would give it

So fuck it

I’ll say without a doubt

I fought hard against the mold

And made it pretty fucking far

And in return I just get shitty looks

And funny glares

Envious eyes and challenging dares

It’s so funny the amount of people

Waiting for me to fail, to back down and bail

 And even funnier are their expressions

As I continue to sail

Passing all of these losers as they sit in hell

I mean I’m not asking for a pat on the soldier

Or even a congrats

Fuck it! 

can imagine how shitty it must feel

To have just sit back and watch greatness

All you can do is get at me

But I would just expect

That you do a better job

Of hiding your jealousy and contempt

I know the devil is always at work on your soul

But you should really just try,

Make an attempt

It baffles me the amount of people

Waiting for my demise,

Shit you would think I was the Joker,

Lex Luther or the Green Goblin

just passing in disguise

There a many times I was wretched

In deep sadness and confusion

Really trying to unpack

But now I just find it amusing

For every sincere individual,

There are ten back stabbing bitches

And another ten fucked up dudes

But they do say misery loves company

Those who fail hate to see you succeed

And love when you’re down

**Originally Published: December 2014